Personality Tests Don’t Work

Due to the fact that I’ve been bullshitting the last few posts, I thought I’d write a proper one for once.

I’ve taken lots of personality tests online and usually, I can only say that my results were quite lame. Not lame as in I’m a lame person, but lame as in “how much more generic can these responses get?”. Personality tests tend to bullshit you in a couple of ways.

1. The More A’s The Better

Of the less advanced personality tests I’ve taken so far, the worst are the ones that have exactly 4 possible answers of which A = “The Creative Type”, B = “The Patient Type”, C = “The Bossy But Built To Lead Type”, and D = “Superficial, But Not Called Superficial So To Not Offend Anyone Type”. And they’re really obvious.

You’ve just created a beautiful poster for your friend’s homecoming, but another friends of yours who had been working on the poster with you as well accidentally spills some coffee on the poster. You:

A. Creatively integrate the stains into the poster

B. Toss it out and make a new one

C. Tell your friend to make a new poster

D. Scream and rip up your poster. Proceed to storm out the room in rage with foam forming in your mouth like a spoiled brat.

2. Human Nature Can Be Limited To Abe, Ben, and Jay-Z

The more annoying questions tend to be ones like “Who is your role model?” or “What is your favorite book?”. Of these, they proceed to give you a couple answers and depending on the test you’ll get people from Konrad Zuse (fyi, he invented the computer) to Jay-z.  Or even some random politician that literally no one knows. And tell me, how is this suppose to reveal what my personality is?

Of these 4 flowers, which one do you think represents you well?

A. Pitcher Plant

B. Buttercup

C. Dandelion

D. Daisy

3. It Really Depends

If you think you can respond to “What do you like to do to relax?” without saying “Well, it depends…”, I seriously worry for you. Too many questions require a straightforward answer that really differs on a daily basis. I might think I’m seriously shy one day and then the bossiest person ever the next (trust me, this has happened before). I might wake up feeling shitty one morning because it’s Monday and then extremely excited another morning because I’m going to Disney. Which one are we to assume?

What is your favorite hobby?

A. DIY

B. Gardening

C. Community Service

D. Reading Cosmopolitan

4. I Don’t Even Know Who I Am!

If you don’t even know what type of person you are, how can a 5 question test, who has never interacted with you nor met you at different circumstances, be able to accurately explain what kind of person you are in less than a minute? How can 5 questions even fully encompass the complexity of human nature? If you, who spent how many years alive being yourself, don’t even know who you are, how is a test, which doesn’t even have a consciousness, tell you who you are?

If you took the time to answer the three questions listed above, I will reveal your results for you:

If you answered mostly A‘s you are:

The Creative Type

You are very creative and like to think things out creatively. You really like DIY because it forces you to think creatively. The Pitcher Plant is a bizzare flower in which can only be like via creative means. Therefore, you are CREATIVE.

If you answered mostly B‘s you are:

The Patient Type

You tend to be very patient and quiet in nature. It is very hard to aggravate you and you will patiently fix anything gone wrong. You picked the buttercup because it is a… patient plant? (Excuse me while I bullshit.) You’re favorite hobby is gardening because it tests your patience a lot. Especially when growing plants that don’t like to stay alive.

If you answered mostly C‘s you are:

The Bossy Type 

You like to be on top of everything. You tend to be the one to come up with idea, but you won’t be the one to actually do the work. You picked the dandelion because it’s an aggressive and annoying  plant that just can’t be killed no matter how hard you try to dig it up, just like you. And you really like community service because you can boss people around there for free.

If you answered mostly D‘s you are:

The Superficial Bitch Type

I’m sorry for offending you, but, bitch, you suck ass.

So, did you like my personality test?

The Wrong Four Leaf Clover

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Prompt: While scrolling through Facebook, a women sees a picture of herself in a post about fashion victims.

Being a women of strong and eccentric tastes, Betsy was never the most popular one is came to fashion in her circle of work buddies. Nothing that she wore was ugly, but not everyone fully appreciated modern art on the human body.

After throwing on a pair of sweatpants once she got home, she sat down on her couch to surf the web. Today had not been quite the best day.

There was always tension in the air whenever it came to what she wore. Betsy wasn’t even sure why she still worked for this old fashioned conservative company. No colored suits, no neon shoes. Literally nothing original.

Being the idiot she sometimes was, she forgot about that whole “everything must be black and white” and wore a purple undershirt. The first thing that greeted her the moment she arrived was about 20 sets of malicious eyes trying to bore holes into her purple, no, not even purple, light lilac that almost seemed white shirt.

Next thing she knew, her boss was in front of her with big accusing eyes and Betsy knew that a nice scolding was to follow along with some large amount subtracted from her paycheck. What ridiculous and unreasonable people.

After being forced to chlorine bleach her shirt in the laundry room (Why in the world was there a laundry room in the first place?), she of course burned a hole in the collar of the shirt. Most certainly someone would notice and that would be the end of her, so she took the shirt off and just went with her jacket all buttoned up. Someone noticed her.

It is said that bad luck comes in threes and Betsy was sure that this would be the last of horrible happenings today. Up until know, it wasn’t wrong yet. But as she scrolled through her Facebook news feed, an unsightly title came showed up.

“Work Dress Codes: The Victims of Modern Fashion”

Betsy frowned and clicked on the article taking her to her company’s blog (which for the record had maybe 5 followers). This wasn’t much of a surprise and she was sure that her name was going to be in there somewhere. But never did she know how many times they cursed and insulted her way of dress.

And then there was her, in only her bra, bleaching her lilac shirt in the laundry room. Beneath the picture was a caption.

“As fellow co-workers, we have always been worried for our friend Betsy. The common courtesy of wearing only stiff uncomfortable black and white clothing just has not seemed to click in her mind (as you can tell in this picture). We worry for our friend and hope that you will too. A burst of color is inappropriate for  work settings as formal and important as ours and it is in our deepest wishes to maintain this boring monotonous color scheme to improve concentration and headaches.”

Betsy was furious. After proceeding to post a long angry comment, she decided that maybe, it was time to move on to the another place to work.

Maybe bad luck came in fours.