Teardrop – Chapter 3 & 4

Apologies for the long hiatus. I was slacking a little.

The last time Eureka cried was when she was nine and immediately afterwards, a hurricane happened. Subtle. Her parents are arguing while it’s hurricaning and Eureka cries. One. Single. Fucking. Tear.

It’s like the world exploded or something, but water starts gushing out everywhere.

And then,

Diana gazed at her daughter as if she didn’t know who she was. Then her palm flicked backward and she slapped Eureka, hard.

Eureka froze mid-moan, too stunned to move or breathe. The whole house seemed to reverberate, echoing the slap. Diana leaned close. Her eyes bored into her daughter’s. She said in the gravest tone Eureka had ever heard: “Never, ever cry again.

Okay….? First off, would that make the poor girl cry even more? Second off, SO SUBTLE.

So for years, she’s never shed a tear. Until now. Over a fucking car accident that was more or less partially her fault. Wow. Epic fail. Clouds roll over ominously, but since the tear never actually fell, hell doesn’t break loose. She has no clue even though it’s so blatantly obvious what her tears probably do.

“My name’s Ander.” He stuck out his hand politely, as though a moment ago he hadn’t intimately wiped her eye, as though he hadn’t just done the strangest, sexiest thing anyone had ever done.

Ok. So your just totally cool with him rear ending your car and then you being a bitch about it now? You’re just going to be friends with him now because he did the “sexiest” thing anyone did to you ever? (Which for a record, was taking a tear from your eye and moving it to his. If that’s your definition of super sexy, I don’t know what to say anymore.) Can you be any more shallow?

Ander comments on how Eureka isn’t a common name and Eureka mopes once again for a page.

“Ander’s not a name you hear every day.”

His eyes dropped and they listened to a train heading west. “Family name.”

“Who are your people?” 

Uh huh. Because when you meet a hot guy who rear ends up and ends up being really sexy, you ask who the fuck his family is because his name is weird. Not like yours isn’t either.

A tow truck arrives and of course, the guy who drives it is a pervert, but he’s the only tow guy in town, so what can you do? Eureka wonders who sent out the message to get a tow and the driver-perv, Cory, tells her Big Jean called him. And we learn about Big fucking Jean, who no one actually cares about.

Also, if you’re not from around town, it seems like everyone hates you. Wow.

Ander is too proper to seem to be from Cajun and so Cory is really mean to him. Eureka finally gets a tow and then, we’re reminded a lot of words later that, oh shit, she still needs to get back to school for that cross country meet. Ander drives her and does a very unsuccessful job of hiding that fact that he knows everything about her life. His hands are shaky from “trauma” even though I’m very sure that he rear-ended her on purpose.

They nearly kill some squirrel animal and then all of a sudden Eureka goes all nice on him. Girl, you were a bitch a couple minutes ago. Where did this switch come from? How has Ander not all of a sudden regret saving the girl?

He acts all creepy, first saying he’s sorry for everything and then says that Eureka has a cross country meet, which she never told him about. But, conveniently, he just happens to be on the other team they’re running against. Wow. Just… wow.

Teardrop: Chapter 2

Eureka arrives back at her car which is this really nice Jeep Cherokee she named Magda.

It was too new and too red to suit Eureka. With the windows rolled up, you couldn’t hear anything outside, and this made Eureka imagine she was driving a tomb.

Isn’t… not hearing anything outside the whole point of having the windows rolled up? And just because it’s silent doesn’t mean you’re in a fucking tomb. You could also be driving a live yoga session and it’d be just as quiet.

She used to be super punk DJ, but since the death, we have to be told once again that all color has drained from her once oh so perfect life. She continues to mope because she can’t imagine playing guitar without her mom either.

FUCK, CAN YOU DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR MOM? WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE?

She wants to seek vengeance on the wave, which is pretty stupid. You can’t seek vengeance on an inanimate object. It’s not going to feel pain or guilt or whatever for whatever it did which defeats the whole purpose of seeking vengeance.

She continues to mope, this time about how misunderstood she is. BUT YOU DON’T EVER FUCKING SAY ANYTHING. BITCH, HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BE UNDERSTOOD IF YOU DON’T EVER COMMUNICATE? YOU’RE STEPMOTHER FUCKING CALLS YOU “DISTANT” BECAUSE YOU DON’T EVER FUCKING TELL HER ANYTHING. OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE THE PROBLEM HERE, NOT EVERYONE ELSE.

As she drives, she starts moping so much about how much her life fucking sucks with all the pitying and no mother life that she actually can’t breathe. She stops at an intersection and studies her arm so that you can get a glimpse of her cut arm just for even more fucking pity points – except some dude crashes her from behind.

She sees Mister Sexy (presumbably Ander) yells at him to help her and then proceeds to get super pissed at him for hitting her car.

Did you even try to stop?”

“I didn’t see—”

“Didn’t see the large red car directly in front of you?”

Excuses never got so lame.

“What do I expect?” She approached the boy. “I expect to be able to get in a car without having my life threatened. I expect the people on the road around me to have some rudimentary sense of traffic laws. I expect the dude who rear-ends me not to act so smug.”

Wow…. Bitch alert… You know girl, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Had this been any other jock, they would’ve smacked you until you cried and then drove off without another word, because what the fuck, this boy was not smug at all, you stopped in the middle of the fucking road at an intersection (you weren’t even pulled over), and don’t you want to die? What. An. Asshole.

“But I guess I expected too much. Your dumb ass doesn’t even have insurance.”

OH MY GOD. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HIT THIS GIRL FOR ME NOW? WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING MANNERS?

The boy just grins like a creepy idiot and tells her everything’ll be OK. Eureka tries to call her parents and neither dad nor step-mom pick up. She almost cries, the sky rumbles ominously and the boy grabs her tear before it rolls down her cheek.

1. Creepy.

2. Not subtle foreshadowing at all.

Teardrop: Chapter 1

We start with Eureka sitting, massaging her bad ear, which she hurt in the wave. She’s in a waiting room with an empty but really really loud fish tank. She’s at the therapist’s, which her dad made her go to so that she would be able to get over her mom’s death. Except all of the therapists somehow just suck.

Sometimes I really worry. Why are psychiatrists always portrayed as stupid dumb butts who never actually understand the angsty teenager’s problems?

Eureka noted her new therapist’s taupe leather slip-ons. She’d sat on the couch across from many similar pairs of shoes. Female doctors did this little trick: they slipped off their flats at the beginning of a session, slid their feet back into them to signal the end. They all must have read the same dull article about the Shoe Method being gentler on the patient than simply saying time was up.

I… don’t know how to react to that… Ew? Stinky feet?

After a very detailed description her therapist taking off her shoes (maroon toenails, if you cared to know), we find out that the therapist’s name is Landry. Really. I swear, did Ms. Kate just look up, see a laundry basket and then go “oh goody, a name!”.

Landry tries to initiate conversation, but all Eureka wants to do is escape reality.

But Landry looked sensible, interested in the reality from which Eureka yearned to escape.

Uhhh…. girl, just because she looks sensible doesn’t mean she is sensible.

Apparently she’s missing a cross country meet for this. She also recently tried to kill herself. And ended up surviving and thrown in a psychiatric ward with a schizo and emo Asians. What’s awful though, is that it’s described at if “oh poor little Eureka going through all that horror!” but fuck, bitch, you just tried to kill yourself. You’re just as bad as the emo Asian boy. You need to stop thinking you’re normal and then also try to kill yourself.

She’s all upset because the place was really far and also her hometown, which would make her unable to attend her cross country meet and it was a really important meet. But, she’s the one driving to this place. Why couldn’t she just skip the appointment? If the meet is that important, skip the fucking appointment.

The meet’s importation because ever since her mother’s death, she’s been doing awful and this was her last chance to redeem herself.

Landry asks a bunch of questions that Eureka thinks the answer too, but doesn’t say anything. She spends to whole time moping about good times with her dead mother and how much life sucks now because she’s dead. And she still wants to kill herself.

I can tell, this book is going to be a blast.

Eureka just wants pills. Landry says that’s not going to help her problem. Eureka storms out pissed.

Girl, why didn’t you just skip the entire appointment? Stupid stupid stupid.

Teardrop: Prologue

Ah, tis time for a new book! The cover of this book proves to be gorgeous. The insides, not so much.

—-

We start out with a sunset against the Seven Mile Bridge. There’s a boy sitting in a stolen fishing boot a hundred yards away from the bridge. There are construction workers on the bridge and both the workers and the boy are so called “Seedbearers”. They’re about to kill “the girl and the mother”.

But, of course, the boy (who’s name is Ander) is in wuv with the girl.

Ander had a choice: fulfill his obligations to his family, or–

No

The choice was simpler than that:

Save the world, or save the girl.

OHMAHGERD THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!! I TOTALLY CAN’T TELL WHICH ONE HE’LL PICK!!! -rolls off a cliff-

The plan for killing the girl is to created a huge wave that washes them off the bridge.

They could even get away with it. No one could prosecute a crime he didn’t know had been committed.

No shit. What, we’re gonna start prosecuting people because a tsunami hit wherever?

So it turns out these Seedbearers are manipulators of the wind, which in turn, they were going to use to push up a huge wave to wash the car away. Wouldn’t it be simpler… if they just created a tornado? Or something more wind related? Or stab the girl with a knife? Or just something more straightforward than huge tsunami wave which seems to described as rather complicated?

For months they had spoken only of their certainty that the right wind under the right water would be powerful enough to kill the right girl.

Shouldn’t it be the right water under the right wind? Also, when you say kill the right girl, does that mean this girl is in particularly hard to kill? Yes? No? Maybe?

Turns out Ander had to stalk the girl… because that’ll help shit with killing her? Maybe for a week just to figure out when they’ll come down the bridge, but 24/7? Honestly? In any case, he knows everything about this girl, is deeply infatuated with her because she’s just so perfect and thus comes to the conclusion that he’s in wuv with her. Creepy.

He muses for two whole pages about whether he should save her. He’s misunderstood in his family like any typical teenager. His aunt thinks he wants a normal life. Who would’ve know he fell in love with the girl he was suppose to stalk 24/7? Don’t these people have some brains? You’re sending out an imbalanced teenager who probably wants a fuck more than he wants to save the world. It never crossed anyone’s mind that he might grow attached to her? Seriously?

There’s some not too subtle hinting at the fact that this girl comes from something before “the flood”. Probably the flood associated with Noah’s ark.

In any case, the wave crashes down, it’s perfect, everything goes as planned but Ander goes for girl. He can’t save mother as well. Boo hoo.

The girl’s name is Eureka. God this name is awful.

Frozen: Chapter 41-52

Screw it.

I can’t deal with this book anymore. You know what happens? The end happens.

Other things that happen:

  • Nat is a Drakkonrydder
  • Nat almost kills Wes. But Wes magically revives
  • They defeat the RSA with the pinch of their thumbs
  • Nat and Wes separate because that’s oh so heart wrenching

Goodbye, Frozen. I won’t miss you ever. I never going to pick up another book by this author ever again.

Frozen: Chapter 36-40

We are once again in a situation where the odds seem to be against them. But i’m curious, isn’t Liannan magical? Aren’t the dwarfs suppose to be magical? They even used their magic on the compass to fix it. Why can’t they magically destroy the boat or something?

We aren’t told anything about their magical limitations and it leaves this whole ordeal rather pointless.

“I did not see them,” Liannan said coldly, as she appeared on the deck to join the group. “The ships are made of iron — which repels our power.”

Oh. Convenient.

Wes wants to negotiate, which seemed to be all that they’ve done for the entire journey. They know it might be a life or death situation and they agree to shoot each other rather than get caught.

On one hand, that is a bold move, on the other, why don’t you think you could possibly get caught on purpose, hitch a ride with the slavers and then escape and run to the Blue? Yes, dangerous, but better than starving to death.

Oh right. They have non-existent fish to feed them.

No one is armed and they have one shot in a cannon. Shakes shoots and misses. Wes plans to intimidate the slavers and scare them away, because that’ll totally turn out so well. Seriously though, the general rule of thumb for intimidating other people, especially violent assholes, is through physical superiority. You gotta show them that you’re aphla wolf and they’re omega. Wes, obviously, does not have that.

The slavers are speaking textlish. That LOL OMG JK I GTG I CU LTR language.

Wes solidifies his plan and is going to talk his way out of a fight.

PHYSICAL SUPERIORITY!!!!! THOSE SLAVERS AIN’T GOT NO FUCKING BRAINS FOR SMART TALK!!!! YOU AIN’T GOT NO SHIT TO OFFER EITHER!!!!!

Prediction: Wes will successfully convince them to leave.

And then, OMG! IT’S THE SLOB! I guess he’s working for Jolly? He “knew the whole time” that Nat couldn’t have actually been what she pretended to be. Wes knows the Slob and they converse. Wes offers to work double for half pay and then the Slob reveals that fact that he refused that one job.

The second ship pulls up and the slaver on there is called Ear.

Negotiations fail miserably as expected.

Darn. They get caught. I guess my predictions were wrong. For once, something finally happens. Jesus. The small crew gets branded and split up on the ships.

Hey, weren’t you going to shoot each other rather than get caught? What happened to the whole “I’d rather die boldly and live a slave” ordeal?

It turns out the Slob (or his real name, Avo) used to serve with Wes and then he became mercenary too. Damn, no fucking legal people? Wes plans to break out when Avo lets his guard down, because he tends to get lazy. Smooth. Usually, what you expect never actually happens.

They go 3 days without food or water, because… slavers don’t feed them? Like I understand the whole slaves = shit conditions things, but they gotta be fed! Number one rule of slaving is that you’ll get nothing with a boatload of dead slaves.

Anyway, turns out Wes has a secret stash of, wait for it, Bacon Fruit, that was stuffed into his jacket because it made good insulation. 1. Ew, how long has that been there? It must be stale. 2. I would never ever want to eat anything that works as good insulation. 3 Seriously? Bacon fruit? You just couldn’t think of something a bit more appetizing to call it? This is completely ridiculous.

They’re taken out to perform tricks to entertain the slavers. I’m sure that’s totally what you do when you trap dangerous magical beings inside your ship. Why there isn’t a rebellion yet? I have no clue. These slavers have nothing that’s keeping the slaves under control.

That night, a flock of random birds come by and drop off nuts through their window. In the middle of the fucking ocean. What the hell.

The birds talk to Nat in strange bird language and tell them there’s hope. Wow. This is SO lame. I just can’t even.

Wes finally reveals his service life and apparently, you do more evil things serving than being mercenary and kill everyone against the government, including innocent civilians. This government is so fucking on unrealistic, I don’t even understand how it’s still functioning and also managed to take over half of the world.

How are the not goddamn rebellions yet? How has 90% of the human population not been wiped out yet? If you kill all your fucking citizens, there’s no one to rule and thus you have no goddamn country. Do you fucking understand? Where the hell did your brains go?

Avo and Wes worked together, they found the rebel base, but got caught trying to run away and get… tortured, because everything in this world seem to lead to that. They escape, Avo captures a marked man and tortures him… because he doesn’t already know the location of the hiding base? I have no clue.

Anyway, in the end, the rebels all die. End of story.

The next day, the slavers all wonder why no one’s starving anymore. But there’s no evidence. So no one thought to try to save some for later? Everyone’s just “let’s eat now because we’re short-sighted idiots!”

More shit happens and the stupid pilgrims realize a little too late that they’re not going to the Blue. But then people know Layman’s Code! Which is some wall knocking morse code! Nat has a convo with them! Because Nat just knows every language ever!

They talk some more because what else would you do in a slave ship? Turns out Nat thinks she killed Eliza, but then Eliza actually was marked and so she made an illusion that made it seem like she died in a fire, but she didn’t.

Nat talks about the voice in her head. Blah blah blah.

Padding. Ew.

Frozen: Chapter 30-35

So, turns out Nat magically controls her magic. OOOOOOH, MAGIC! She still thinks she can only cause pain because of the whole “Fire and pain. Rage and ruin.” thing. She decides that she’ll push Wes away because keeping him will be too dangerous.

We all know in the end that always fails and tends to cause even more problems.

Daran’s out of control and he wants to shoot one of the refugees on board, who happens to also be marked. Wes threatens him, but it’s not enough and he shoots at the girl anyways. The girl uses her magical powers and send Daran off the ship. Or maybe Nat. Nat can’t tell whether she did it or the girl.

Helpful.

The girl’s name is Liannan of the White Mountains. That name would have worked had this been a high fantasy, but it’s not, so it sounds out of place and stupid. Wes wants to save Daran even though the jerkass betrayed him and is about to be killed by some drakon.

Wes, you are an idiot.

Why risk your life for an uncontrollable maniac in the case where you’ll more than likely be killed? What makes this seem like a good idea other than “integrity”? Nothing.

So they try anyway, Shakes gets swept into the sea and is kind of drowning. Nat gets angsty and starts praying because she’s magical and then the girl tells the drakon to stop. And then…………………………………………………….

I have no clue what the fuck happens. Nat gets… sick and confused? And then… they’re saving Shakes as if that wasn’t their original goal?

But the girl turns out to be a slyph (aka elf) and an obvious lame-o Galadriel replica – blond hair, radiating whiteness (like she glows white light), and a general air of wisdom. But this book makes everything suck, so she’s more corny than intelligent.

Daran’s dead and his brother gets so upset and violent that the crew has to tie him to a pole. The slyph and Nat talk, and she confirms that the Blue exists. In fact, the drakon protects is and she calls it home. Way to kill the suspense.

Farouk is afraid of them literally like their a plague. Liannan tells him she’s not infectious – he can’t be turned into a sylph. But… I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you want to be turned into a sylph? The girl is described as beautiful. In fact, she’s super sexy. Why dafuq wouldn’t you want to become like that? Plus she’s magical! This fear makes no sense.

There’s a lot of ridiculous padding and what the fuck moments. Liannan is ridiculously creepy and knows everyone’s names. Thankfully, the scene breaks with Wes breaking the truth to her – no wind and no food.

They still look for Daran, though he’s obviously dead. Then, we find out that the children were actually smallmen (aka dwarves). Brendon and Roark are their names.

Surprise! They have horrible pasts! They ran away because their colony was dying of the Rot which was the sickness that was changing marked ones into zombies. They were fine until they hit a trashberg (where were their fucking eyes?) and their ship started taking in water. Then starvation, death, etc. etc.

Whatever.

There are 5 more ships of people and the dwarf is stupid enough to ask for them to help. Wes agrees, because he’s Mr. Softy.

There’s a burial for the dead. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU BURY PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN? UP YOUR BUTTS? At the end of if, Nat asks to move from the captain’s quarters back to the crew cabin as the first step to pushing away from Wes. Right. Why were we doing this again?

She immediately regrets moving back, because the beds suck.

The next morning everyone finds out that Farouk untied Zedric from the pole and escapes in a lifeboat. They take all the supplies as well and probably are planning to go back to the RSA

What the fuck are they thinking? You think the government is going to forgive you so easily after you break a shitload of laws and then run back to them crying mama? They’re going to shoot your balls off first and then screw you over. These boys have no fucking logic in their brains. I am so done with this book.

Guess what? Days after Nat sights a fish does she actually think of the possibility that they still are alive. Apparently Daran and Zedric figured that out earlier and were secretly indulging themselves in fish.

Do these people have like walnuts for brains? I guess all the smart people are dead now.

They spend a day doing anti-climatic fishing. We find out that the world is starting to unfreeze and magical clean water is popping out of nowhere.

They eat fish for dinner. Shakes and Liannan seem to be getting it on with each other… because… ??? The two dwarves aren’t brothers, they’re gay lovers.

Nat turns to glance at Wes, but find that he’s not there.

Unsubtle foreshadowing.

So nothing actually happens from this whole ordeal, because they actually get rid of their shitty crew members, find a food source and get a better crew out of if. Brendon’s a better navigator because he manages to fix the compass which goes haywire near trashbergs.

No comment about inaccuracies dealing with compasses.

Brendon manages to guide them through the trashbergs. Though I don’t quite understand, the whole reason they were in a dilemma was because their ship hit one and took some water. Now he’s just magically good at navigating?

As the days pass, Shakes and Liannan are really falling for each other. I, am really wtfing so hard. Wes “knows” that Nat isn’t interested in him. Right. Since she’s actually done nothing to show that other than moving back to the crew room, which is shit nothing as proof that she doesn’t like him.

But they still have intimate conversations, so what the hell?

This time, they talk about Wes’s sister, who supposedly died in a mysterious house fire, but the thing was, there was no body so she’s still alive. Nat goes all “fire and pain” again.

… Is this hinting at the fact that Nat might be his sister? Or that she killed his sister? Honestly though, I couldn’t give a shit anymore. Nat’s about to confess something to Wes, but it’s interrupted by ship sightings.

PIRATES! FUCK YES! FINALLY SOMETHING!

The pirate’s name is Jolly Roger Stevens. Talk about being original. I guess he has two ships? Because both ships are supposedly his and they’re fighting each other. That’s stupid as fuck.

“Slavers rob each other all the time; it’s easier than roaming the sea for pilgrims,” Wes explained.

Fuck you. Yeah, sure they do that, but they don’t fucking rob themselves. It’s like saying “Oh, I need ten more bucks! Why don’t I steal ten bucks from my own fucking wallet!”

You don’t end up with anymore money than you started with, dumbass.

Conveniently, they come to a truce the moment they sight Wes’s ship. They even fucking shake hands. OH MY GAWD. PLEASE SOMEONE. SHOOT ME NOW. SAVE ME FROM THIS MISERY. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. FUUUUUUU

Frozen: Chapter 26-29

Nat broods over the fact that she’s marked and the rest of the crew might be judging her. Everyone’s in a pissy mood because their journey’s gonna be twice as long so food is scarce. Everyone’s also seasick, the only slightly realistic touch to this journey, except for, there’s no current to make them seasick so even that has been proved invalid.

They end up eating bark, but where did that come from? Trees don’t exist anymore right?

We get a glance as Shakes’s backstory, which is also suppose to draw feels from you, but basically, he’s illegal, people try to taking him away and they get into a tug of war fight, with him as the rope. He gets dropped, bonks his head and now has brain issues.

I feel genuinely horrible for using this word, but that, is retarded.

Most people think his shaky hands are caused by frostblight though Right. That stupid disease that can’t ever happen.

Shakes’s dad blames his mom for having him, but excuse me asshole, if only you fucked with protection that would’ve never happened, so you’re to blame too. Nat mentions Wes’s sister, but Shakes gets all confused.

[..] Because Eliza and Wes… they were twins.”

And apparently twins are exceptions so why was she taken away? Dun dun DUN! But, I don’t care.

It is bad that I want the government to just poof out of nowhere and drop a bomb which kills them all and ends this book on a good note?

We skip the Nat’s nightmare of Daran steal her stone. Typical nightmare. Wakes up via horrible noise, turns out to be some weird wailing thing. Turns out to be a Wailer. I don’t know what the fuck that is. Nat feels strangely connected to this crying noise.

Prediction: Nothing will happen.

Darn. I was wrong. They lose an engine. They’ll be stuck forever floating in the ocean! But lol, jk, we have sails. So essentially, nothing happens.

Ha. There should be no wind either. That’ll make things more fun.

They go back to sleep and Nat tells Wes about the stone a little more. It’s magical and suppose to keep you young for a long time – the reason why Old Joe lived so long. Old Joe didn’t see anything through the hole, but Wes and Nat do. Why? I have no clue.

Wes doesn’t want it because… reasons, but he warns Nat not to tell anyone else. The Wailer wails again.

Leaving Nat, Wes goes to the Crow’s Nest where he sees a light. And he thinks it’s a rescue ship? Weren’t you seriously scared to go out to sea because of the pirates? What makes you think the first ship you sight is going to be instinctively friendly?

Prediction: It might not be immediately friendly, but definitely not going to give them enough trouble for anything to happen.

Wes is upset because he realizes that ten days later, once they reach the destination, he’ll never see Nat again, but you could just go with her. If you really wanted to say with her so bad. Nothing’s preventing you at all. Also, the crew is bitching pretty badly for no reason because ten days of half starving is like nothing. A whole month would be a different deal.

And then guess what? It is a mercenary ship! Which means no pirates! But the ship is a mess, so I guess no food. In fact, the people in the ship need help. Wes goes all “I’m legit badass bitch, but I still have a conscience so I have to save them, if not, I would have long stolen Nat’s map and left her tied up”.

But 1. actually, you would’ve taken that first job offered to you in chapter 2 and never ever meet up with Nat, 2. you’re too in love with Nat to do that.

Wes goes on board to check out the ship and finds that the captain is dead and the way he was killed plus the fact that the ship was left to sink meant that the navy was out. He tries to get back but the rope’s been dragged away by Daran. Wes leaps and falls into the sea, but then…. Nat and Shakes reach down to lift him up…? Wait… how far is the deck of the ship to the water? I am so confused.

Nat is crying, because he almost died? But… this is such a not crying moment. More like a “bitch you should’ve been more careful” moment.

Oh, right, Wes was pulled up by Nat’s mind. So she does have no trouble controlling her magic.

Daran’s pissed.

Frozen: 24-25

Ok, turbo mode time. I need to finish this shit crap by the end of next week at the latest. It’s seems that the infamous Lauren Kate (author of Fallen) has come out with a new book and I’m itching to tear that apart.

***

It turns out Wes knew that Nat was marked the whole entire fucking time. Why did he still take her? Because non-existent love?

Flashback time again, and we’re told that Nat used to live with a bully brother. Surprise! Because EVERY main character just has to have a traumatic past that you’re suppose to cry about. Anyway, he bullies her and tells blatant lies about her and so one day she goes all fuck it and pushes him with her mind.

But didn’t you say you couldn’t control the magic? What the fuck is up with that?

Anyway, she gets kicked out and Mrs. A plans to escape with her.

So, *drum roll* Wes looks familiar because they’re worked in the same special training regiment!

*le gasp*

I feel like this is a part that could actually be a big deal, but the author just pushes it off as another fact, which is just false. I don’t know what she was thinking, but I think figuring out why I recognized someone is a pretty big deal.

Nat finally confirms that she wants to go to the Blue because she technically never told them, but everyone knows, so yeah.

Wes finds her eyes beautiful and they’re about to kiss when the ship lurches. Wes is pissed and Farouk blames the radar for not showing them. Some shitty radar you’ve got. I could’ve seen them with my fucking eyes. It’s not like they’re completely underwater. Anyway, the trash is… tearing into the ship?

Wait. This is trash we’re talking about. If anything, they’re probably piles of broken plastic, rotten paper and other small floatable items. That isn’t going to do shit to your ship. Anything bigger that might have even had the chance to rip you steel ship would have long sank to the bottom of the ocean. Fuck, these trashbergs can’t even actually exist because trash doesn’t just magically pile up on each other and also float! And stay together and float and pile up on top of each other!

Logic! Or lack thereof!

So the trashbergs are squeezing against them and lifting the ship out of the water. There are fridges and couches and everything and they’re tumbling onto the ship.

Due to the fact that trashbergs cannot physically exist which would thus nullify the existence of this scene, I refuse to analyze the gaping inaccuracies of it.

They magically slip out of the trashbergs without much damage. No one gets injured. Basically, once again, nothing fucking happens

Finally, they decide, after they almost get killed, that they should probably going around the trashbergs rather than through because it’s too dangerous. No shit Sherlock. You should’ve figured that out long before you almost got fucked.

“Hey — you look different,” he said. “What is it?” He squinted at her face.

“My eyes,” she said shyly. “You can’t see the difference? Really?”

“Our friend Shakes is colorblind.” Wes winked.

Ok, dafuq? She looks different, but he’s colorblind so he actually can’t tell that she looks different, so how does he notice that she looks different?

FUCK. I AM SO DONE.

My rage is so great, 1 gif is not enough to portray my anger.

So their magical fail radar suddenly picks up all of the trashbergs now and they have to go pretty far to go around them. If only you’d use your fucking eyes instead of relying on some shitty radar, you’d have a better time avoiding those hug ass trashbergs.

Also, where the hell is the current that’s moving these floating trashbergs coming from? Current is created from a combination of hot and cold water rising and sinking. Without current, nothing really moves all that much in the ocean. At least not enough to push huge gigantic trashbergs. With the world frozen over, there’s obviously no hot water to make a current.

Anyway, back to Wes and Nat.

Nat wonders if Wes would have kissed her had the trashberg not interfered. :O THE WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW! OMIGOSH! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!

Wes escorts her to her room and tucks her in and then he goes all “oh no you didn’t, we ain’t doing no nothing, get your mind out of the gutter bitch” and walks away. Except for much blander and more boring.

Wes needs to say that once. Just once and that’ll be enough for me to forgive the book for all of it’s wrongs. #hopelesswishes #thingsthatllneverevereverinanywaypossiblehappen