I owe you one

Wow. I’ve only made 7 posts this month.

This is pathetic.

Ok, since I owe you a post (or more like multiple posts) I’ll write you one. But can I please mention that this might be the perfect place to mention this good old adage?

One good blog post a month is better than 30 shitty ones.

– My Mother

So. There we go. I should probably also remove the “Daily Blogger” badge, but let’s face it, would I really do that? (Shake your head, please.) You may say, why? And I may say, because I’m too prideful, or too embarrassed or too lazy to take it down. Whatever. Just know that it’s not happening.

Ok, so a blog post.

Well, I had a brilliant idea in mind, but I just lost it. So I’ll talk about my WONDERFUL LUCID DREAMING EXPERIENCE.

Actually, not. You see the problem is, if you want to lucid dream, you actually have to work at it. Like, you have do stuff. And you know how much I hate doing stuff. Ok, some checklists I’ve found:

  1. Keep a dream journal
  2. Meditate for 20 minutes before sleeping
  3. Eat avocado (actually not really)
  4. Do the WBTB and WILD techniques. (Hell knows what the heck they are)
  5. Draw A’s on your palm
  6. Sleep

Of all of them, number 6 is the only thing I do. (Well, I also eat avocado, but that doesn’t count.) First off, let’s be honest, who in their right mind goes around drawing freaking A’s on their palms? And da hell is WBTB and WILD? I don’t know about you, but personally, I find this to be wayy too much work. (Winky face.)

So I guess no lucid dreaming then? Aw shucks. I guess then, according to World of Lucid Dreaming DOT COM, I’m not gonna be able to find my ideal partner and fulfill my… sexual fantasies. What bullshit.

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Personality Tests Don’t Work

Due to the fact that I’ve been bullshitting the last few posts, I thought I’d write a proper one for once.

I’ve taken lots of personality tests online and usually, I can only say that my results were quite lame. Not lame as in I’m a lame person, but lame as in “how much more generic can these responses get?”. Personality tests tend to bullshit you in a couple of ways.

1. The More A’s The Better

Of the less advanced personality tests I’ve taken so far, the worst are the ones that have exactly 4 possible answers of which A = “The Creative Type”, B = “The Patient Type”, C = “The Bossy But Built To Lead Type”, and D = “Superficial, But Not Called Superficial So To Not Offend Anyone Type”. And they’re really obvious.

You’ve just created a beautiful poster for your friend’s homecoming, but another friends of yours who had been working on the poster with you as well accidentally spills some coffee on the poster. You:

A. Creatively integrate the stains into the poster

B. Toss it out and make a new one

C. Tell your friend to make a new poster

D. Scream and rip up your poster. Proceed to storm out the room in rage with foam forming in your mouth like a spoiled brat.

2. Human Nature Can Be Limited To Abe, Ben, and Jay-Z

The more annoying questions tend to be ones like “Who is your role model?” or “What is your favorite book?”. Of these, they proceed to give you a couple answers and depending on the test you’ll get people from Konrad Zuse (fyi, he invented the computer) to Jay-z.  Or even some random politician that literally no one knows. And tell me, how is this suppose to reveal what my personality is?

Of these 4 flowers, which one do you think represents you well?

A. Pitcher Plant

B. Buttercup

C. Dandelion

D. Daisy

3. It Really Depends

If you think you can respond to “What do you like to do to relax?” without saying “Well, it depends…”, I seriously worry for you. Too many questions require a straightforward answer that really differs on a daily basis. I might think I’m seriously shy one day and then the bossiest person ever the next (trust me, this has happened before). I might wake up feeling shitty one morning because it’s Monday and then extremely excited another morning because I’m going to Disney. Which one are we to assume?

What is your favorite hobby?

A. DIY

B. Gardening

C. Community Service

D. Reading Cosmopolitan

4. I Don’t Even Know Who I Am!

If you don’t even know what type of person you are, how can a 5 question test, who has never interacted with you nor met you at different circumstances, be able to accurately explain what kind of person you are in less than a minute? How can 5 questions even fully encompass the complexity of human nature? If you, who spent how many years alive being yourself, don’t even know who you are, how is a test, which doesn’t even have a consciousness, tell you who you are?

If you took the time to answer the three questions listed above, I will reveal your results for you:

If you answered mostly A‘s you are:

The Creative Type

You are very creative and like to think things out creatively. You really like DIY because it forces you to think creatively. The Pitcher Plant is a bizzare flower in which can only be like via creative means. Therefore, you are CREATIVE.

If you answered mostly B‘s you are:

The Patient Type

You tend to be very patient and quiet in nature. It is very hard to aggravate you and you will patiently fix anything gone wrong. You picked the buttercup because it is a… patient plant? (Excuse me while I bullshit.) You’re favorite hobby is gardening because it tests your patience a lot. Especially when growing plants that don’t like to stay alive.

If you answered mostly C‘s you are:

The Bossy Type 

You like to be on top of everything. You tend to be the one to come up with idea, but you won’t be the one to actually do the work. You picked the dandelion because it’s an aggressive and annoying  plant that just can’t be killed no matter how hard you try to dig it up, just like you. And you really like community service because you can boss people around there for free.

If you answered mostly D‘s you are:

The Superficial Bitch Type

I’m sorry for offending you, but, bitch, you suck ass.

So, did you like my personality test?

Don’t BS Me

I just bullshat a post (ha ha, bullshat is a funny word) and I got more likes than anything in like forever. Are you guys trying to encourage me? Because I’m not biting for the bait.

I’ve been really tired lately. And when I get tired, I get really cynical. I guess you’re meeting my lovely cynical side right now. So, what is the point of this post? To write something longer than 400 words so I don’t look like I was cheating. (Though I don’t know what I would be cheating on.)

Ok. So. Uh. Hello. This is a blog post. And you’re suppose to write words in a blog post. And when you click publish, this post will be visible to the rest of the world for them to read to their own enjoyment. Now mind you, that doesn’t mean that someone will actually read it. Being available doesn’t mean people will know about you.

(Only 149 words… What…)

In a blog post, you should have words. Not letters, but words. I used to write with letters and I ended up with things like “ejoslide” and “goitjeg”. (Ok, not really.) These words need to form a sentence. A sentence for those who don’t know, is a group of words that starts with a capital letter and ends with a punctuation mark and conveys a full idea. Ideally, this would not work as a blog post:

Big blue whale.  Green leaves. bark of tree. Running through. the e-mail. sending off.

Ideally. Because if you were trying to be, say, artsy, you could proclaim this as a beautiful work of art. Or a poem. It would be a horrible poem though.

(272… c’mon…)

Also, a blog post needs to have a topic. For example, this blog post that your are reading right now, is a horrible example, because it has no focus. What does liking a BS post have to do with the making of a blog post? They’re totally not related. So if you decided to rant about socks, don’t tell me about the time you saw your grandmother’s panties. I don’t want to hear about it.

And now, I’m just placing words on a page just the reach the words count. I’m tempted to just throw in numbers as words, but I don’t think that count them in the word count. Well, let’s see. 1 2 3. Nope. I guess I was right. Horray for me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave now. At 400 words.