Review: The Maze Runner

The Maze Runner
The Maze Runner by James Dashner

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

**Warning**: Contains cussing due to pent up RAGE.

******Also, spoilers.*******

What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Book.

After spending a week trying to finish this pile of words called a “book”, I was done. I skimmed those last few pages, because honestly, I couldn’t give a shit about this goddamn book anymore. What’s wrong with this book? Everything single fucking thing.

I’m surprised this book hasn’t been burned yet.

1. Crap Ass Characters

You know who sucks in this book? Everyone except Gally.

Let’s start with Thomas.

Thomas starts out in the Box (ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that name is SO EVER OMINOUS!!!! IT’S A FUCKING BOX! *screams in terror*). He has no memory of who he is, just vague things like “I can ride a bike, but I don’t remember who taught me or how I learned or where I learned.” which he thinks of again and again and again and again and ag- OH WE GET THE FUCKING POINT, WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP NOW.

Except for, lolno~, if Dashner stops, what else is Thomas going to think about? So Dashner goes all “Fuck you, Thomas is going to think that shit again.”

Throughout the book (though mostly in the beginning) Thomas gets sudden urges to do stuff, as if something had taken over his body. WELL SOMETHING HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR BODY AND IT’S CALL “ LAZY AUTHOR WHO DOESN’T WANT TO WRITE OUT PROPER CHARACTERIZATION AND DECIDES TO MAKE HIS CHARACTERS DO SHIT BECAUSE OF NONEXISTANT IMPULSES” SYNDROME.

Thomas makes “friends” with, of course, the fat boy, whose name is the normal fat boy name, Chuck. Now, I say “friends” because saying someone “will do” as a friend, is objectifying 1. Chuck, and 2. what a friend is. You can’t just pick someone and be like “Oh yeah, he’ll work as a friend.” Just, no. You can do that with screwdrivers, but not with friends. Obviously, to Thomas, a “friend” is just someone who you…. …. ….???…. with. What the hell does Thomas ever even do with Chuck other than that promise which was the most unsubtle way of foreshadowing Chuck’s most predictable and unnecessary death? They… talk about pointless things. And… shit… Oh, I think they eat together once or something…. Hmmmmmmmmm…. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM….

You know, this isn’t a friendship AT ALL.

Thomas is supposed to be curious and smart, except for he manages to not think of even the most obvious questions. Or, even if he was about to faint from the number of questions boggling his mind (with which I gotta say, you must have some strange self control to make yourself faint from not asking questions…), he abstains because “OH THE ABLY GLARE! I CAN’T ASK THEM OR I’LL DIEEEEEEEEE!”

Just. Fuck you.

Thomas is also terribly stupid because, you know, standing there and watching people struggle to get back into the Glade (OMG CAPITAL LETTER! THIS MUST BE A LEGIT NAME! *gasp*) when you could totally run out and help them is ok, and slipping out the last second, when the doors are about to close and there’s no way you could actually be of any help, and also be technically committing suicide because no one survives the night is also ok.

Actually, I think Dashner was just trying to find some lame excuse to get Thomas to spend a night out in the Maze (ANOTHER CAPITAL LETTER! SO LEGIT!) and just FAILING.

Thomas is supposedly so smart though, because he manages to sidestep one of the Grievers. Right, because after TWO WHOLE years, no one, absolutely NO ONE has thought of dodging these things that are described as “stupid as hell”. 1. How did they manage to figure out that Grievers were stupid as hell? 2. If they’re stupid as hell, why are they such a danger? 3. If they’re stupid as hell, why has faking left not been an idea that anyone has attempted?

I am fed up. This stupidity. It’s killing my brain cells.

Of course, to make Thomas OH SO SPECIAL!!!! he has to have telepathy skills with the only human of the opposite sex in the Glade, because right, you can’t just speak out loud to each other. That would require too much energy which has already been drained too much trying to keep your dumbshit brains from imploding from stupidity.

You know, Thomas is supposed to be so smart, but he doesn’t actually figure out anything. Instead, they’re literally guided out via memories so Thomas doesn’t actually do any thinking at all. Plus, why hasn’t Thomas tried to choke himself out of horror? EVERYONE except Thomas, for some reason, refuses to speak of their memories at all. Why didn’t Thomas go through that? Because he’s Mr. Special Snowflake, that’s why.

Enough with Thomas.

What’s wrong with the other characters?

Chuck’s too “stereotypical fat kid who’s sentimental”. Minho is not a fucking scientist’s name. Plus, he switches between being an ass and being kind of ok in such extremes it’s unrealistic. He, along with everyone else, also decides to tell Thomas absolutely nothing until 50 pages after whatever had been the issue first gets mentioned.

Everyone’s also like “FOLLOW THE FUCKING RULES NO MATTER WHAT!” Except for, Thomas got off with it, so fuck that shit.

(For the record Mother Theresa is not a scientist. And, Chuck = Darwin? That’s kind of a far connection.)

I’ll say right now that my favorite character is Gally. Not because he’s the bad guy and I hate Thomas, because bad guys tend to be douchebags and douchebags are unlikable, but if you just stop for a moment and look at the situation, especially the scene where Gally accuses Thomas of being a spy, you realize that Gally is the only one who actually can think complicated thoughts. I was honestly surprised when Gally accused of Thomas of being a spy, because it wasn’t expected, it was original yet at the same time, made total sense.

Really, in that entire scene, Thomas should have been the “bad guy”. He was the one that just showed up in the middle of nowhere. Gally saw him in the Changing, which is usually associated with ominous things, so obviously it’s reasonable to say Thomas might not be so good of a person.

But Mr. Super Special Snowflake can’t ever be wrong, so bitch, Gally’s just fucking insane, that’s what.

2. random Capitalization of certain Nouns due to Fancy (?) names

What is up with these names? Just because it is THE maze, doesn’t make it the Maze. Just. No. You’re writing in English. Could you please follow English grammar rules and not just make proper nouns simply by capitalizing the first letter of regular nouns? I literally cringe every time I have to unnecessarily capitalize these nouns in this review because it’s just so WRONG.

These names aren’t even good.

3. What the Shuck.

You know. If you’re going to cuss, don’t be a chicken and use lame ass alterations of normal curse words. If they can communicate in regular English, what is preventing them from saying “fuck” instead of “shuck”? Also, why are only the curse words slanged?

You understand, curse words have culture behind them that cause them to be curse words. You can’t just make up a word that also is strangely similar to regular curse words and say “oh yeah, because isolation and slang”.

The only thing we get backstory for is klunk because shit makes klunk noises in their crap buckets. 1. TMI. THANK YOU BUT NO THANK YOU 2. That’s gotta be some dry shit to be making rattling noises in buckets. 3. IT’S SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. USE IT. I DARE YOU.

If these teenagers are going to curse, they’re going to curse like real people.

4. Completely Flawed Logic

Ok. Please tell me, if Grievers can climb walls, why haven’t they managed to climb over the walls and flip into the glade?

If Grievers are so easy to kill, why have none of the Gladers managed to kill one in TWO WHOLE YEARS even though they’re perfectly capable teenagers, who are also supposedly smarter than usual? Do I need to go on a rant about how our intelligence is the reason our species reigns over all others? No? Ok. Good. I was hoping you’d be intelligent enough to know that.

WHY, after figuring out that the Maze repeats itself on a monthly basis, are they drawing new maps? WHY WOULD YOU WEAR YOUR BALLS OUT RUNNING THROUGH SOMETHING YOU ALREADY KNOW THE PATH OF JUST TO DRAW THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

Wouldn’t you expect these teenagers’ first reaction to the arrival of the first and only girl not “I call being the first one to fuck her!” but “Holy shit! A girl? Wait let me remember what the hell that is first because I’ve never so far interacted with one!” You can call being the first fucker when these Creators start sending prostitutes up every other week.

Also, you’re ok with rape jokes, but saying “fuck” is too much?

Fuck you, that’s what.

What the hell is up with that ending? It’s like Dashner wrote this entire book and then was like “Oh right, I need to add this part!” and just stuffed it in at the end. You know that whole solar flare crapshit? Well, it makes no sense in general and is scientifically impossible.

If the rainforests are dead, then humans are dead. End of story.

Rainforest survive because of water. It’s goddamn hot, but because it rains enough, forests grow there. If it gets hot enough that it can’t even rain anymore, humans aren’t even going to be alive at all. No bug would survive either, whatever this bug is supposed to refer to (a bug as in “buzz buzz” or “I’ve got a stomach bug”?)

You might say, “Well this is fiction! It’s doesn’t have to be realistic!”. Yeah, how about we add unicorns into the story? Demon TNT unicorns who decided to bomb the world to death with their mystical glamorous death ray? It’s fiction afterall! Now, you still wanna keep your point? No? Ok, cool.

Why do they need to farm when they get mayo and steak shipped up every week? Also, why are you guys sowing, growing and harvesting at the same time? Are there not seasons in the Maze? And do you know how hard butchering is? You can’t just throw random teenagers into the job and expect them to properly butcher a cow like it’s nothing.

Why are these so called “smart” teenagers so stupid?

I am just done with this book.

Conclusion

This book is for you if you like reading books about flat stupid characters (who are labeled “smart”) who spend 2 years running around a maze trying to find and exit when the exit has been right in front of them the whole time (of course and they’re also just no curious enough to figure that out) and need a Mr. Special Snowflake with IQ level of 0 to guide the way.

View all my reviews

Book Review: Nest

The following review was written for the book Nest, by Esther Ehrlich. Thanks to NetGalley for an ARC of the book.

Nest, as Esther Ehrlich’s debut novel, is a masterpiece of emotions. It’s written for middle graders, but I really enjoyed this book just as much. What makes Nest stand out so much is really it’s simplicity, conveying at the same time a deep message that most children’s books tend to avoid. It talks about life and death and the reader is forced to face it brutally.

Ehrlich has a talent for writing believable characters that you come to love. There’s a perfect balance of “immature little kid” and “intelligent bird lover” in Chirp. Joey is the “annoying boy next door” but also has his own problems and fears that make you pity and care for him. You have Miss Gallagher, who you like and you hate, who can be nice, but is also just as much of a jerk. There’s Rachel, who had teenager problems to deal with along with their mother’s sickness.

The plot of the book is simple. Chirp’s mother get’s diagnosed with MS and Chirp must find a way to cope with this. But Ehrlich executes it in such a wonderful way that it never gets boring or cliche. Everything was unpredictable in the best way. Everything in this book feel original.

I loved how Ehrlich makes references to From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler and Annabel Lee, both which connect the reader to the book.

The prose in this book is beautiful. Smooth flow, beautiful descriptions but still altogether simple. I loved it wholly and definitely will be looking forward to more of Ehrlich’s books.

NEW Feature

I’ve decided, in an attempt to broaden my horizons and practice writing better reviews (because why not?) I’m going to start writing book reviews for every book that I finish. Now, before you’re going to say “Oh that’s easy.” let me explain some of the rules:

1. My review must be above 1000 words.

Doesn’t sound like much, but you try to write a review for a book that all you can say is “OMG OMG I LOVE THIS BOOK!” for 1000 words. It’s not easy. Surprisingly criticism comes easier than praise.

2. I must list just as many bad things as good things.

There’s always good in bad stuff and bad in good stuff. This one’s going to be challenging and I might be breaking this rule a couple times. Hopefully not though.

3. I must try to cite quotes where applicable.

Just trying to sharpen up my thesis paper writing skills for school. 

So they’re not that crazy, but it’s not easy either. So I hope you’ll enjoy my book reviews. All my reviews can be found on Goodreads as well (I shall get one up probably tomorrow)