Review: The Boy A Thousand Years Wide

The Boy A Thousand Years Wide
The Boy A Thousand Years Wide by David Spon-Smith
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I received and ARC of this book via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

DNF at 138 pages of shit.

This book was awful. This felt like some random half-literate guy from somewhere like south Philly decided to just write a book, sends it to a publishing company in dire needs for a book to publish, and the company publishes it after having an editor make an half-assed attempt of cleaning the book up.

Or, in other words, this book is the definition of craptastic shit.

A lack of variation in word choice is just fine.

Did you know, in the first 57 pages of the book, the word “says” is used more than a 130 times? And not just “say”, “says”. Everything, single, fucking, time. Even if it’s grammatically incorrect, “says” is used. “I says”, “he says”, etc. etc. etc. Is there any variation? Yeah. We see “shouts” a couple of times. Wow. Such word choice. Much bad. Very disappoint.

Ain’t inconsistent grammar amazing?

Yeah. A published 422 page work does not ONCE use the grammatically correct form of “is not”. Instead, we’re littered with “ain’t” and not just in the shoddy first person narrative, but in EVERYONE’S dialogue. So everyone uses incorrect grammar now? What, has “is not” just went obsolete? Why is “ain’t” the only word that’s grammatically incorrect? (Which is why I say the book was probably half-assedly edited.) I don’t find this to be a stylistic way of writing. This is someone being stupid and not following the rules of grammar because slang.

Even if it was supposed to be stylistic writing, it was such a half-assed attempt, the author might as well have ditched it and saved the reader from going through reading hell every time “ain’t” shoots its lightning bolts into civilized reading minds.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with using ain’t. It’s the fact that it’s being abused like “says” is and the fact that it’s not being properly surrounded by related slang that makes it stand out like such a sore thumb and makes it such a big issue.

This is probably as bad as “shuck” in Maze Runner.

Look. Paragraph spacing doesn’t have to be consistent.

WTF is up with the random large gaps between paragraphs? I’m reading and then all of a sudden it’s like the author thought “oh, this paragraph [a.k.a. single sentence, since the author fails to write a single paragraph past the elementary 5 sentence and most of his paragraphs are 1 sentence long] looks important, I’mma just surround it with spaces so it stands out!”

No. Just. No. Fuck you. Do you not look at other books? Do you not notice how ugly that makes your book look? Just random gaps in the narrative every hither and thither. You know why I didn’t finish this book? Because I was sick of scrolling through all of those fucking gaps.

We all be a clone party!

EVERYONE. And I mean EVERYONE sounds the same. There might be occasional quirks here and there, like Lilly only shouts. And is a mean bitch. Baxter only knows to be a sniveling brat. But most of the secondary characters all sound the same and could totally be interchangeable. I don’t even remember what they’re names are.

Oh, yeah, and they all says ain’t.

Conclusion

I realized that this book was hopeless the moment I was just started skimming instead of reading. There is SO MUCH PADDING.

Do. Not. Read. End of story.

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Review: The Curse Breakers

The Curse Breakers
The Curse Breakers by Denise Grover Swank
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I received an ARC of this book via Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.

Oh boy oh boy. This book was wild ride of padding, shite romance and awful sex scenes. There’s no plot development whatsoever. It takes fucking 400 pages for Ellie to find the symbol of Ahone and kill two goddamn giant badgers.

The pacing of this book was about as urgent as Ellie acted.

Who fucking has straight up romantic dinners when the top issue at the moment is to find very important possibly life-saving notes? If I were in this situation, I’d scarf down a sandwich and keep looking. There is ZERO sense of urgency in this book.

Ellie’s Logical process: Oh, I have to find notes! Let’s eat dinner with the very hot sexy English professor who might really like me first!

A fucking love triangle? Are you serious?

Yeah, right after you fuck it all up with Collin, you go ahead and just happen to meet a hot English professor. Right. And he’s completely smitten by you for really no reason at all. Asides from being the biggest idiot and the worst person to carry the fate of the rest of the world, I personally see no defining characteristics about you, Ellie Dare. Please, would you care to explain what the fuck is up with that?

I just… can’t…

After spending the entire afternoon reading the rest of this shit book, I just feel drained. So drained that I don’t even have enough energy to write a full on rage review. Honestly? I’m dreading the third book.

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Review: The Curse Keepers

The Curse Keepers
The Curse Keepers by Denise Grover Swank
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I received an ARC of this book via Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.

I’m sorry Curse Keepers. You had so much potential but… really? Really? I’m wordless.

Our main characters are two shallow idiots.

Well, at least one of them is. The relationship between our two MCs can be shortened down into this:

[Ellie] OMG I CAN’T BREATH! THERE’S A HOT SEXY GUY TOO!
Ellie approaches hot sexy guy anyways.
Hot Sexy Guy smirks and grabs her hand.
[Ellie]FUCK. The curse is broken! The whole fate of humanity is resting on my shoulders! I’m not going to believe it! I’m going home and telling Hot Sexy Guy, aka Collin, to fuck off cause he’s acting like an asshole.
Shit happens. Collin acts like an asshole, but suddenly he’s mister hot sexy save the damsel in distress guy.
[Both] OMG WE’RE MADE FOR EACH OTHER! I CAN’T HOLD OFF SCREWING YOU FOR ANOTHER FUCKING MINUTE!
//Long exposition about screwing and how wonderful it feels.
Repeat x4
[Collin] Don’t hate me forever.
[Ellie] Ok.
Collin proceeds to betray Ellie.
[Ellie] I HATE YOU FOREVER.

If anything, the prose is just plain bad.

This book doesn’t flow. I’ve been switching between this book, The Golem and the Jinni, and The Glass Magician and every time I get back to reading this book, I cringe at how dry and unreadable the writing is.

Asides from the fact that Ellie is really annoying and shallow, we don’t get very much description asides from the fact that Collin is SO SEXY. Everything is just so… uninteresting. Not the mention, the pacing was super slow and the book had WAY too much padding. This should have been max 200 pages. Not 312.

The idea could have been so good.

Unfortunately, it seems that poor execution ruined it. The idea was simply thrown at the reader. I found most of creepy and there was barely, if any, worldbuilding. I still am basically clueless about this world even after 312 pages of shit. I still don’t know the limitations and abilities of the Curse Keepers. I don’t understand why more spirits aren’t chasing after Ellie more.

It seemed like the whole ordeal was just another Sunday drive around town with an occasional thug to “change it up”.

Oh. And sex scenes that go into lovely gory TMI detail.

Conclusion

If it weren’t for the fact that I won the third book off Goodreads and the fact that I have all three books on my shelf on Net Galley, I would have long abandoned this series at page 8.

DO NOT READ, unless you’re looking for an awful romance.

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Review: A Grimm Legacy

A Grimm Legacy
A Grimm Legacy by Janna Jennings
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I recieved an ARC of this book via Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.

DNF at 175

I’m sorry, this book isn’t even the worst book I’ve ever read, but I’m just so fed up with wasting my time reading books that I know won’t get any better when I’ve got books ten times better sitting across from me on a shelf waiting for me to read.

This would have been a good book had the author not completely undermine the intelligence of the reader and also learned few techniques about writing a story (such as prose, pacing and character creation).

1. Prose and Pacing
The prose in this book is dry. The descriptions are lackadaisical and oftentimes suppose to be “fancy” and “well thought out” but only leaves the reader confused.

Slipping through the door with a quick knock, Dylan found himself in a small sitting room. The view was breathtaking. An entire wall of windows looked out onto the beach and he felt a pang of homesickness. Focusing on the closed bedroom doors on the opposite ends of the room, he
chose one at random and tiptoed in.

Wow. The small sitting room’s view was breathtaking. A SMALL room has a BREATHTAKING view. How? Just how?

Also besides the breathtaking view, we get nothing else of the room. What the hell are the color of the carpets? Are there even carpets? Well, the world will never know.

Andi settled behind him on the wide seat looking at her clothes in dismay. Green sheep slobber slimed her cloak, dress, hands and boots. Or was it sheep snot?

First off, TMI. Second off, you could have just said “sheep slobber covered her body”. No one gives a shit if it covered her hands and not her arms. Third off, just ew.

The pacing of the book was also absolutely horrendous. Things just happen. It’s like the author envisioned a couple of scenes to happen and then stitched them together with the in between scenes to make it a novel. You know why I stopped at 175? Because the pacing screwed me over.

I might have finished if the pacing hadn’t been so bad.

2. Inconsistent Characters
Who the fuck is Dylan? From the first impression that I got, with him fighting with another guy over a girl and majorly losing, was that he was probably some weak sailing nerd who wanted to prove himself but actually had no experience sailing.

Apparently he’s hot, sexy and quite the teenage womanizer.

I have no a clue what kind of person Andi is and last time I checked, Cinderella did not wear a cape that has abilities very coincidentally similar to the invisibility cloak in Harry Potter. In fact, the author does a very poor job masking the source of inspiration by mentioning Harry Potter and how Andi felt like she was in Harry Potter.

Uh. No. Just, no.

We, as of 175, get no view of Quinn asides from the not-too-subtle hinting at the fact that he might have something to do with Rapunzel and her being the damsel in distress multiple times. She’s a crazy legit rock climber, but gets so scared getting kidnapped that she can’t even find the strength to fight back? Really? Muscles! Use them!

Fredrick has been, so far, the most consistent character, but also the nondescript. He’s shy shy and shy. And occasionally angry. What else? I have no clue.

Almost all of the other characters have their fairy tale counterparts to base their actions on, which makes characterization a lot easier, but not much better.

3. Plot
A pretty decent upside to the story is it’s somewhat intricate storyline and incorporating different fairy tales into the world. Unfortunately, it’s not very well played out and in the end, I just lost interest in the whole ordeal. The plot gets too masked by the awful prose and characters.

4. INTELLIGENCE. PLEASE.
I’m sorry Ms Author, but would you please not make your characters so ignorant of the Grimms fairy tales and also not undermine the reader’s intelligence so much? The fact that Quinn’s hair grew a mile a minute was enough for me to make a guess as to who she probably was. I don’t know yet and I don’t plan to find out. The fact that Andi get the part in Cinderella was enough for me the guess, within the first couple chapters, that she was Cinderella.

These characters are so stupid, sometimes I want to just facedesk. It’s awful. These are normal teenagers right? Normal teenagers aren’t this stupid I hope.

Conclusion
Nope. Do not read.

BONUS: The chapter titles are awful.
Chapter 7: “We don’t exactly have phones to call for help” (You have vocals chords too, you tards)
Chapter 8: “Where we’re from, you don’t see pointed elf ears outside of sci-fi conventions.” (for the record, sci-fi is the wrong genre)
Chapter 10: “You can drive if you know how to hotwire a car.” (Tell that to all the little kids in the world)
Chapter 22: “You never know what might happen at these… fundraisers, after all.” (Oh baby?)

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