Review: The Boy A Thousand Years Wide

The Boy A Thousand Years Wide
The Boy A Thousand Years Wide by David Spon-Smith
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I received and ARC of this book via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

DNF at 138 pages of shit.

This book was awful. This felt like some random half-literate guy from somewhere like south Philly decided to just write a book, sends it to a publishing company in dire needs for a book to publish, and the company publishes it after having an editor make an half-assed attempt of cleaning the book up.

Or, in other words, this book is the definition of craptastic shit.

A lack of variation in word choice is just fine.

Did you know, in the first 57 pages of the book, the word “says” is used more than a 130 times? And not just “say”, “says”. Everything, single, fucking, time. Even if it’s grammatically incorrect, “says” is used. “I says”, “he says”, etc. etc. etc. Is there any variation? Yeah. We see “shouts” a couple of times. Wow. Such word choice. Much bad. Very disappoint.

Ain’t inconsistent grammar amazing?

Yeah. A published 422 page work does not ONCE use the grammatically correct form of “is not”. Instead, we’re littered with “ain’t” and not just in the shoddy first person narrative, but in EVERYONE’S dialogue. So everyone uses incorrect grammar now? What, has “is not” just went obsolete? Why is “ain’t” the only word that’s grammatically incorrect? (Which is why I say the book was probably half-assedly edited.) I don’t find this to be a stylistic way of writing. This is someone being stupid and not following the rules of grammar because slang.

Even if it was supposed to be stylistic writing, it was such a half-assed attempt, the author might as well have ditched it and saved the reader from going through reading hell every time “ain’t” shoots its lightning bolts into civilized reading minds.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with using ain’t. It’s the fact that it’s being abused like “says” is and the fact that it’s not being properly surrounded by related slang that makes it stand out like such a sore thumb and makes it such a big issue.

This is probably as bad as “shuck” in Maze Runner.

Look. Paragraph spacing doesn’t have to be consistent.

WTF is up with the random large gaps between paragraphs? I’m reading and then all of a sudden it’s like the author thought “oh, this paragraph [a.k.a. single sentence, since the author fails to write a single paragraph past the elementary 5 sentence and most of his paragraphs are 1 sentence long] looks important, I’mma just surround it with spaces so it stands out!”

No. Just. No. Fuck you. Do you not look at other books? Do you not notice how ugly that makes your book look? Just random gaps in the narrative every hither and thither. You know why I didn’t finish this book? Because I was sick of scrolling through all of those fucking gaps.

We all be a clone party!

EVERYONE. And I mean EVERYONE sounds the same. There might be occasional quirks here and there, like Lilly only shouts. And is a mean bitch. Baxter only knows to be a sniveling brat. But most of the secondary characters all sound the same and could totally be interchangeable. I don’t even remember what they’re names are.

Oh, yeah, and they all says ain’t.

Conclusion

I realized that this book was hopeless the moment I was just started skimming instead of reading. There is SO MUCH PADDING.

Do. Not. Read. End of story.

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Review: The Curse Breakers

The Curse Breakers
The Curse Breakers by Denise Grover Swank
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I received an ARC of this book via Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.

Oh boy oh boy. This book was wild ride of padding, shite romance and awful sex scenes. There’s no plot development whatsoever. It takes fucking 400 pages for Ellie to find the symbol of Ahone and kill two goddamn giant badgers.

The pacing of this book was about as urgent as Ellie acted.

Who fucking has straight up romantic dinners when the top issue at the moment is to find very important possibly life-saving notes? If I were in this situation, I’d scarf down a sandwich and keep looking. There is ZERO sense of urgency in this book.

Ellie’s Logical process: Oh, I have to find notes! Let’s eat dinner with the very hot sexy English professor who might really like me first!

A fucking love triangle? Are you serious?

Yeah, right after you fuck it all up with Collin, you go ahead and just happen to meet a hot English professor. Right. And he’s completely smitten by you for really no reason at all. Asides from being the biggest idiot and the worst person to carry the fate of the rest of the world, I personally see no defining characteristics about you, Ellie Dare. Please, would you care to explain what the fuck is up with that?

I just… can’t…

After spending the entire afternoon reading the rest of this shit book, I just feel drained. So drained that I don’t even have enough energy to write a full on rage review. Honestly? I’m dreading the third book.

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Review: The Curse Keepers

The Curse Keepers
The Curse Keepers by Denise Grover Swank
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I received an ARC of this book via Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.

I’m sorry Curse Keepers. You had so much potential but… really? Really? I’m wordless.

Our main characters are two shallow idiots.

Well, at least one of them is. The relationship between our two MCs can be shortened down into this:

[Ellie] OMG I CAN’T BREATH! THERE’S A HOT SEXY GUY TOO!
Ellie approaches hot sexy guy anyways.
Hot Sexy Guy smirks and grabs her hand.
[Ellie]FUCK. The curse is broken! The whole fate of humanity is resting on my shoulders! I’m not going to believe it! I’m going home and telling Hot Sexy Guy, aka Collin, to fuck off cause he’s acting like an asshole.
Shit happens. Collin acts like an asshole, but suddenly he’s mister hot sexy save the damsel in distress guy.
[Both] OMG WE’RE MADE FOR EACH OTHER! I CAN’T HOLD OFF SCREWING YOU FOR ANOTHER FUCKING MINUTE!
//Long exposition about screwing and how wonderful it feels.
Repeat x4
[Collin] Don’t hate me forever.
[Ellie] Ok.
Collin proceeds to betray Ellie.
[Ellie] I HATE YOU FOREVER.

If anything, the prose is just plain bad.

This book doesn’t flow. I’ve been switching between this book, The Golem and the Jinni, and The Glass Magician and every time I get back to reading this book, I cringe at how dry and unreadable the writing is.

Asides from the fact that Ellie is really annoying and shallow, we don’t get very much description asides from the fact that Collin is SO SEXY. Everything is just so… uninteresting. Not the mention, the pacing was super slow and the book had WAY too much padding. This should have been max 200 pages. Not 312.

The idea could have been so good.

Unfortunately, it seems that poor execution ruined it. The idea was simply thrown at the reader. I found most of creepy and there was barely, if any, worldbuilding. I still am basically clueless about this world even after 312 pages of shit. I still don’t know the limitations and abilities of the Curse Keepers. I don’t understand why more spirits aren’t chasing after Ellie more.

It seemed like the whole ordeal was just another Sunday drive around town with an occasional thug to “change it up”.

Oh. And sex scenes that go into lovely gory TMI detail.

Conclusion

If it weren’t for the fact that I won the third book off Goodreads and the fact that I have all three books on my shelf on Net Galley, I would have long abandoned this series at page 8.

DO NOT READ, unless you’re looking for an awful romance.

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Review: A Grimm Legacy

A Grimm Legacy
A Grimm Legacy by Janna Jennings
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I recieved an ARC of this book via Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.

DNF at 175

I’m sorry, this book isn’t even the worst book I’ve ever read, but I’m just so fed up with wasting my time reading books that I know won’t get any better when I’ve got books ten times better sitting across from me on a shelf waiting for me to read.

This would have been a good book had the author not completely undermine the intelligence of the reader and also learned few techniques about writing a story (such as prose, pacing and character creation).

1. Prose and Pacing
The prose in this book is dry. The descriptions are lackadaisical and oftentimes suppose to be “fancy” and “well thought out” but only leaves the reader confused.

Slipping through the door with a quick knock, Dylan found himself in a small sitting room. The view was breathtaking. An entire wall of windows looked out onto the beach and he felt a pang of homesickness. Focusing on the closed bedroom doors on the opposite ends of the room, he
chose one at random and tiptoed in.

Wow. The small sitting room’s view was breathtaking. A SMALL room has a BREATHTAKING view. How? Just how?

Also besides the breathtaking view, we get nothing else of the room. What the hell are the color of the carpets? Are there even carpets? Well, the world will never know.

Andi settled behind him on the wide seat looking at her clothes in dismay. Green sheep slobber slimed her cloak, dress, hands and boots. Or was it sheep snot?

First off, TMI. Second off, you could have just said “sheep slobber covered her body”. No one gives a shit if it covered her hands and not her arms. Third off, just ew.

The pacing of the book was also absolutely horrendous. Things just happen. It’s like the author envisioned a couple of scenes to happen and then stitched them together with the in between scenes to make it a novel. You know why I stopped at 175? Because the pacing screwed me over.

I might have finished if the pacing hadn’t been so bad.

2. Inconsistent Characters
Who the fuck is Dylan? From the first impression that I got, with him fighting with another guy over a girl and majorly losing, was that he was probably some weak sailing nerd who wanted to prove himself but actually had no experience sailing.

Apparently he’s hot, sexy and quite the teenage womanizer.

I have no a clue what kind of person Andi is and last time I checked, Cinderella did not wear a cape that has abilities very coincidentally similar to the invisibility cloak in Harry Potter. In fact, the author does a very poor job masking the source of inspiration by mentioning Harry Potter and how Andi felt like she was in Harry Potter.

Uh. No. Just, no.

We, as of 175, get no view of Quinn asides from the not-too-subtle hinting at the fact that he might have something to do with Rapunzel and her being the damsel in distress multiple times. She’s a crazy legit rock climber, but gets so scared getting kidnapped that she can’t even find the strength to fight back? Really? Muscles! Use them!

Fredrick has been, so far, the most consistent character, but also the nondescript. He’s shy shy and shy. And occasionally angry. What else? I have no clue.

Almost all of the other characters have their fairy tale counterparts to base their actions on, which makes characterization a lot easier, but not much better.

3. Plot
A pretty decent upside to the story is it’s somewhat intricate storyline and incorporating different fairy tales into the world. Unfortunately, it’s not very well played out and in the end, I just lost interest in the whole ordeal. The plot gets too masked by the awful prose and characters.

4. INTELLIGENCE. PLEASE.
I’m sorry Ms Author, but would you please not make your characters so ignorant of the Grimms fairy tales and also not undermine the reader’s intelligence so much? The fact that Quinn’s hair grew a mile a minute was enough for me to make a guess as to who she probably was. I don’t know yet and I don’t plan to find out. The fact that Andi get the part in Cinderella was enough for me the guess, within the first couple chapters, that she was Cinderella.

These characters are so stupid, sometimes I want to just facedesk. It’s awful. These are normal teenagers right? Normal teenagers aren’t this stupid I hope.

Conclusion
Nope. Do not read.

BONUS: The chapter titles are awful.
Chapter 7: “We don’t exactly have phones to call for help” (You have vocals chords too, you tards)
Chapter 8: “Where we’re from, you don’t see pointed elf ears outside of sci-fi conventions.” (for the record, sci-fi is the wrong genre)
Chapter 10: “You can drive if you know how to hotwire a car.” (Tell that to all the little kids in the world)
Chapter 22: “You never know what might happen at these… fundraisers, after all.” (Oh baby?)

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Review: Puppet

Puppet
Puppet by Pauline C. Harris

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I received an ARC of this book via Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.

Honestly, I feel awful for giving this book such a low rating because I could really tell that the author was trying so hard to write a good book, but the unfortunate truth is, this book is not a good book and I would not recommend it to anyone.

1. Not Pinocchio related.
The most glaring issue here was that I walked into the book with the misconception that this would be a clever Pinocchio re-telling that Cinder was of Cinderella. Unfortunately, it seems that only actual relationship between the two stories shrinks down to two minimal facts – 1. the book contains marionettes and 2. the MC of the book, Pen, wants to become “real” (which isn’t all that related because other than having superpower abilities, Pen isn’t actually any less “real” than anyone else, she’s just different).

Not only so, the whole book seemed to have completely missed the moral of the story for Pinocchio – to be a responsible kid – which just made them even less related to each other.

This story is NOT a Pinocchio retelling. It’s a book about the future and marionettes.

2. Awful Characters
One of the biggest problems with this book that it’s characters are pretty awful. Most specifically Pen. Even after finishing the book, I still had no clue what kind of person she is and whether she would be the type of person I would like to be friends with or not.

She’s randomly sarcastic at times, randomly mopey at times. Sometimes she acts like a 12 year old, sometimes a 22 year old. There were many times where I had to remind myself that, oh right, this kid is suppose to be my age. And then I wonder if anyone I knew or just anyone in general would act like this. Realistically saying, probably not.

In fact, she feels just like an emotionless robot the way she narrates everything.

The sad fact is that the secondary characters have more of a defining personality than Pen does. At least we know that James is that “normal” teenage kid. Jed is the over obsessed scientist. Eledin is the typical evil guy. While none of these are very well created original characters, they fare better than Pen. At least I know I would like to be friends with James and probably stay away from Eledin.

I don’t even know what to say about Pen.

3. The prose.
Is no good.

Honestly, there’s way too much telling rather than showing. Multiple times we’re told that Pen was trying to be sarcastic. Rather, it would have been many times better if we were just told “I smirked” or “I sneered”, both which portray sarcasm perfectly.

The plotline was not paced out very well either. The story was slow in the beginning and it almost was as if the author got really tired towards the end and just tossed the ending out in one sitting. It’s too much to ask the reader to be able to swallow the whole plot twist in such a short amount of time, especially when the book just ends less than 30 pages after with not enough explanation. Instead of going “oh shit”, I went “what the fuck?” and then rage quitted for a day.

There was no character development and the romance was probably thrown in there because typical YA.

And, it was totally insta-love.

Conclusion
The author really tried with this book, but it just really is not good. This would be a nice example of a book that should have gotten a few more beta readers.

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Review: Go Ask Alice

Go Ask Alice
Go Ask Alice by Beatrice Sparks

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Is it bad that this book has made me want to do drugs just to prove that the main character of the story is just a hopeless idiot rather than prevent me from doing drugs?

God, this book was god awful.

1. THIS IS NOT A DIARY
If you go back to the book and stop at any point and think for a moment, you’ll realize that no actual living teenager would write 90% of the contents in this book in a diary. No teenager would run away from home, think “hmmm, I should write shit down”, write it down on fucking brown paper bags and then bring it home.

Just. No.

You know that message at the beginning of the book that tells you that this was taken from a real diary? Well, that’s a piece of bullshit.

2. THE GIRL MISSED THE FUCKING POINT
You know why the fuck we aren’t allowed to do drugs? Because drugs fucking screw over the brain and we don’t want half the population of the country to be a bunch of flaming retards who got their brains destroyed by smoking. It would also be hella dangerous if half the population of the country was high more than 90% of the time.

NO ONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT DRUGS WOULDN’T BE ENJOYABLE. IF THEY WEREN’T WHO WOULD EVER GET TRIPPED? DO YOU HAVE A GODDAMN BRAIN?

Conclusion
DON’T EVER READ THIS BOOK EVER

If you want a good no drug book, don’t go for this one.

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Review: Graceling

Graceling
Graceling by Kristin Cashore

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

***Warning***

Contains Spoilers

Rated R for minor cussing due to pent up rage.

I’ll admit, the only thing that kept me reading past chapter 3 was Reading With a Vengence’s Chapter Snarks on this book. This book is absolutely horrid. There are so many things wrong with it, I don’t even know where to start.

1. Mary Sue Characters.

Yes, both main characters are Mary Sues. Kasta is a Sue, Po is a Sue.

Kasta

Let’s start off with the fact that Kasta’s grace is the most OP grace you could ever have. It was already extremely strong when it was just simply killing, because somehow, she can manage to perfectly knock out many guards yet also not leave them with any brain damage (be warned, if you go unconscious, it’s usually because your brain has suffered enough trauma that it shuts down consciousness). She’s also completely invincible in a fight. Po can’t even harm her. It’s like she’s got leather skin or something.

And then, you know, all of a sudden, lol, jk! Actually Kasta’s grace is survival! And since in order to live life, you must survive, basically her grace is just living life! So she’s also part god-like then, since she’s basically invincible! And we should totally be ok with this!

Yeah, no. What kind of bullshit is that?

Not only is Kasta’s grace super OP, she doesn’t actually have any real flaws. Either that, or her flaws are minimized in such a way that the reader doesn’t find it to be a flaw.

Supposedly Kasta has anger management issues and she also doesn’t have any friends until Po. But Kasta never actually loses her anger in the book, you’re just told that she has. The only times Kasta seems to lose her anger are when she punches Po, which can’t count really, because she was expecting him to fight back, and when she kills Leck whilst her mind is a befuddled mess, which really can’t count either because she wasn’t even in control of herself, how could she manage her anger? Plus, even if you did count them, you only have 2 examples out of an entire book where she could have gotten angry and lost it.

She’s managing her anger quite well I think.

What bothers me even more is that Kasta is constantly thinking “Oh! I don’t have any friends! Poor me!” But then who da fuck is Raffin? Or Oll and Giddon? Are they just business partners then? Because they certainly don’t seem like it. If you’re so socially awkward, how the fuck did you start up a whole secret organization targeted towards helping people? Leaders don’t just become leaders just because. Being socially incapable of making friends is a big setback to becoming a proper leader. It doesn’t seem like she’s having any trouble leading though.

Next Sue trait – everything she does is right because her actions bring no consequences upon herself. And even if they do, she couldn’t give a shit about them because she’s OMFG INVINCIBLE. (Unless it moved on the plot. And then Kasta gives all the shit about it.) Like the horse part? I think plenty of people have addressed this problem, but I’ll say it once more, you can’t ride a horse like that, because if you do, you’ll either cripple it or fucking kill it.

But, you know, fuck that. She’s Kasta. So naturally, it’s the horse’s fault for being unable to gallop at super speed all the time. And all people are going to do it shake their heads at her.

It’s fine to just tear off a silk dress and burn it because you fucking hate dresses even though it would have totally been reused for the poor out there and thus make you not act like a selfish bitch. It’s also just ok to steal eggs, because poor starving Bitterblue wants them, even though, down the street is a council affiliated shop that will hand over all the food that you can eat just because you’re Kasta, and the girl that you stole the eggs from probably also needed them too.

That logic. It doesn’t make a single ounce of sense.

Kasta acts like she doesn’t care about her looks, yet she worries all the fucking time about how she looks. If she really hated her hair that much, why couldn’t she just pull a Mulan and crop it off with a sword? But no, Giddon’s gonna laugh at me, so I can’t do that. Po’s gonna think I’m hideous so I can’t do that. They’re gonna think I look weird at the court so I can’t do that. RANNE’S GONNA GLARE AT ME! -gasp- -dies-

Oh fuck that shit, you think you’re already hideous (even though of course, you’ve got those lovely green and blue eyes, instead of the squash yellow and brown eyes and lovely handsome Po, with his gold and silver eyes is completely infatuated with you) so ugly hair wouldn’t make a difference anyway.

The only true flaw is that Kasta has not a single ounce of normal logic in her brain, which probably is a flaw that wasn’t even done on purpose. If she had some common sense, she would have realized that Randa had zero power over her. She literally could kill him any time. But fuck that because “OMG, HIS DISAPPROVING GLARE! I’M GOING TO DIE!”.

Yes, please. I would like to see you die by glare Kasta.

If she had any more sense, she’d understand that you can’t toss a shitload of fish into a basket and expect them to live as long as you feed them. Or that you can’t expect a ship to just wander out at sea for an endless time period just because.

There are so many more things wrong about Kasta, but let’s move on to Po.

Po

First off, I can’t take his name seriously. First time, when I saw the name Po, I thought of the red teletubby. And then Po from Kung Fu Panda. The fact that he’s named after a tree with gold and silver leaves doesn’t make it better. One, that kind of tree doesn’t actually exist, which meant Cashore had to make up the name for the tree and thus, it’s still her fault for the shitty name. Two, what, naming people after trees is a thing now? Oh, Oak, son, go clean your room! And Cottonwood, my daughter, have you brushed your hair yet? Hemlock, honey go wash the dishes! Alder, dear, you need to do your homework!

Ha, no.

The fact that his real name is Greening Grandemalion just made it worse, because not only can I not take him seriously as a character anymore, I can’t take King Ror seriously anymore for being the father of a child of such name and I can’t take Cashore seriously anymore for finding it ok to name her main character a fucking shitslop name that lacks in taste on all aspects of the name spectrum.

No, it does not sound pompous. It sounds hideously stupid.

I understand that the whole Greening Grandemalion thing is suppose to be a funny joke. Like “Oh my, what a ridiculous name!” But jokes like this need to have at least a realistic base. It is true that there is an Indian name, Shithead, pronounced shi-theed. If that had been put into a book, prompted with the right context, then there, that would have been the perfect, hilarious joke.

Greening Grandemalion is just so unrealistic in name and in the sense of someone naming their child that, that my first reaction was not “Oh, that’s unfortunately funny.” but, “Seriously? You named your character that?”

But enough with names.

Po is a Mary Sue (or a Gary Stu, as the male counterpart) for many of the same reasons of Kasta. His grace is OP to the extreme. Somehow, he can avoid Leck’s mind manipulation even though there is no clear explanation as to how Po’s seemingly unrelated grace of sensing people can overcome brain fogging and befuddlement.

Because… reasons.

Nothing ever happens to Po. He cries because “OMG. MY LIFE SUCKS BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL USE ME IF THEY KNOW I CAN SENSE THEM!”. He reads Kasta’s mind and it’s fucking creepy, and the fact that he’s responding to her thoughts, doesn’t make it any better.

He’s a selfish bum, because he has a whole castle (which is stupidly built on rocks, anyone can tell you that’s a dumb idea) and a portion of the kingdom he could rule, but fuck that, I’m wanna live my life staring at pretty scenes, which to be honest, isn’t much better than living a life of luxury. The only difference being that the first one, you’re staring at sparkly waterfalls, the second one, you’re staring at sparkly metals. Neither one makes a good ruler.

So who’s dealing with all the shit that happens over at his castle while he’s away staring at his sparkling waterfalls?

God know how that place hasn’t plunged into chaos yet.

Of course, you might say, “Well, he went blind!”. Yet, well fuck that, because remember, he can also now just sense EVERYTHING. It’s like losing your sight to gain super sensory vision that lacks only in colors, which you’ve seen before, so you could totally just add in your mind. Not to mention, it seems that Po’s super sensory vision is a lot stronger than normal vision.

So no, Po didn’t really lose anything at all.

(Also, you can’t just decide to make your character go blind just because. There’s a whole science behind it with brain injuries and shit. Po’s blindness is just all wrong the way he describes it.)

2. Shitty World Building

I’m going to re-direct you to Rhea’s review of Graceling for this one because she does a full analysis of the world building in Graceling better than I ever would.

But to sum it up for those who don’t want to read another whole review on top of this shit long one (even though I highly recommend that you do), basically, Cashore’s world lacks sophistication. Everything is too black and white, either you’re good or you’re bad. All the kings do everything and also, all the kings are supposedly corrupted evil people, except Leck at first, Ror and kinda Randa. I’m surprised this world hasn’t self imploded from political instability.

There is no backstory or anything for how the Graced came to be. If there had been some reason for Kasta’s OP power, it would have made it more acceptable. But instead, you have nothing. Just, there were 7 kingdoms and people are graced.

3. Horrible Prose

I will admit. I read Graceling right after a John Green spree. Some of you might be like “Ewwww John Green!” (or the opposite I suppose). But whether you’re a John Green fan or not, you have to admit that John Green’s books’ readability are so much higher than Graceling.

I can’t give specific examples because the book has long been returned to my library because keeping it any longer would run the risk of me throwing it into a fire of eternal hell, but when you start seeing every other sentence starting in “for” (and actually are not complete sentences) something is wrong.

Cashore’s writing is stiff. There’s no flow. She’s trying to sound formal and medieval but it’s not working. Her descriptions are flat and dialogue mediocre at best. Bitterblue talks like a full grown adult in a child’s body. If I had simply looked at the dialogue, I would have thought that she was much older than a child.

Big fancy metaphors aren’t required for good prose.Marissa Meyer, author of Cinder, does a good job of keeping the descriptions concise, but also clear. No fancy metaphors that contribute nothing to the image. If I flip through Cinder, I’ll find more dialogue than description, yet I still have a very clear image of what the world looks like.

The biggest problem with Cashore’s writing, is that she tells way more than she shows. There is a massive info dump in the first couple chapters. You’re also told half of Kasta’s backstory, rather than shown. You’re told this happens and that happens, but nothing is shown so it’s impossible to be emotionally attached to anything.

Just like how you’re told Kasta had anger management issues, but you never see it in action.

Seeing is believing.

4. Most Fucking Idiotic Names ever.

Rhea’s review goes over this a little. Either way, I must rant about these names, because they suck. You could literally ask a 6 year old to regurgitate gibberish and you’d get better names.

So, what’s so wrong about these names?

Well, some of them are acceptable, like Raffin, and Oll. Giddon is alright (though it seems more like the problem child of Gideon and Giddy). But some (like fucking Greening Grandemalion) I just cannot take seriously.

First off, anyone notice the similarities between Kristin Cashore and Kasta? (Same thing can be said of Clary and Cassandra Clare.) Explains 99% of why Kasta is so OP – she’s the author’s book personality, of course she has to be god-like.

Po’s name is even worse. I won’t say anymore, because I’ve ranted enough about his name.

Bitterblue. Seriously? Is this like some lame ripoff of Jay Z and Beyonce’s little Blue Ivy Carter? Because it seriously sounds like one. Also, what’s up with naming people colors? First Greening and now Bitterblue?

The kingdoms are supposed “clever” alterations of the four directions. Rather, I find them to be stupid sounding. You could have said “The Northern Kingdom” and it would have gotten the same message across – “This kingdom is in the fucking north.” – and sound 10 times more legit.

Thigpen? Ror? Leck? Seriously? Could you not name these kings names that sound like they were pulled directly from medieval comedies featuring fat clueless kings that know about nothing but drinking and eating?

Randa city. Alright, we’re name cities after kings now? Nice way to shortcut your way out of making even worse names for them, but the general rule of thumb is that, no king is pompous enough to name the capital city after themselves. Generally known to cause revolts. Of course, just generally.

5. Absolutely terrible ideas and plot holes.

Question: How da fuck are there massive predators up so high in the mountains where nothing small seems to even survive so there’s nothing to hunt and eat? And where is the firewood coming from?

Also, let me mention that no matter how graced you are, you can’t just run through masses of snow basically naked and not get frostbite or die.

Other problems I’ve noticed:

No government, president or king can be happy if a whole secret political society formed right beneath their noses without their knowledge no matter how good the cause is. You’re undermining their power and no one likes to be undermined.

Countries don’t just settle things in other countries! You can’t just send military forces to another country to settle a revolt that happening in THEIR country just because it’s a revolt. Just. NO.

This is medieval times, no matter how rampantly notorious or popular you are, not everyone is just going to automatically recognize you because of your famous colored eyes. News doesn’t spread like that.

Why, just why, did no one ask Kasta anything when she kills that man? It’s completely illogical. Oh yeah, that child killed a man because she definitely was not being sexually harassed and we won’t even bother to ask about it. You could say it was a court full of inconsiderate jerks, but no one was curious enough to find out? Impossible.

You can’t just shoot arrows in the dark at a target and expect to hit them. That’s a huge undermining of archery. That’s like saying you can kill a whole army blindfolded. That’s a huge undermining of the army. You just can’t. No matter how graced you are. (Plus, being super good at archery is no requirement for surviving, so I don’t see why Katsa’s grace is making her so good at it.)

Rings = Lienid land? Why haven’t more people tried to steal these rings?

Kasta’s whole rant about how marrying will make her belong to someone is completely invalid and only makes her sound like a whiney bitch. First off, marriage does not equal a life of “imprisonment in a castle”. Getting married does not mean you have to be the fucking head of the house. God no. I wouldn’t even want someone as irresponsible as you as head of the house. Getting married is not a restriction.

Oh, and she can’t bear the idea of babies sucking at her boobs. The horror!

Please. Someone. Shoot me now.

I won’t even bother to talk about Po and Kasta’s relationship because that would just take me on a whole other 1000 word rampage.

So in conclusion, I hate this book. Thank you all for lasting till the end of this rant. Would I recommend it? Hell no. But you can go ahead and read it anyways because somehow, it manages to maintain a 4.11 rating, which I find completely absurd.

And maybe you’ll love it, which will be quite unfortunate.

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Review: Frozen

Frozen
Frozen by Melissa de la Cruz

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I received this book from NetGalley in return for an honest review.

This book is the child zero research and the lack of common sense. If you have even the slightest brain, DO NOT EVER READ THIS BOOK.

What’s wrong with this book?

It’s physical existence.

Aside from that, we have massive logical plot holes, flat characters and absolutely zero point in any of the plot. Honestly, a HUGE waste of time.

1. Blatant Mary Sues

These characters are god awful. What’s wrong with them? They’re literally cardboard cutouts of the most common YA cliches, mixed in with a bottle of Mary Sue. Just the idea of that sounds like a catastrophe in and of itself.

Nat, the female love interest, is HOT. Wes, our male love interest, is HOT. And they mutually admire each other’s HOTness because, fuck, why not just meet a random person and notice how fucking HOT they are? Nat and Wes’s romance is completely unrealistic. They meet and… flirt… and then suddenly live for each other? What? Did either of you have any actual conversation with each other that wasn’t the author trying to info dump your backstory in the form of dialogue? Nope. Never. NEVERRRRRRRR.

They’re in love, because they’re HOT and La Cruz said so.

Shakes = typical other guys who’s always with the main character and is just there
Zaran and Farouk = those idiots who run away because “it’s a good idea” and then come back crying mama because it turned out all wrong.
Liannan = WTF BITCH, DON’T TRY TO BE GALADRIEL BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT.
The Smallmen (atm, they’re names are avoiding my mind) = gay couple that’s put in there just because they’re gay and that’s a cool thing to do in YA literature nowadays.

Was there any fucking point in putting in a gay couple? Nope. Not at all. La Cruz was probably like “lol, gay couple! that’ll win me some points! lolololol!”

AND WTF, NAT JUST SUDDENLY BECOMES THE MOST OP BITCH IN THE LAST 20 PAGES OF THE BOOK. LIKE FUCKING DRAKKONRYDDER? WTFWTFWTFWTF. AND IT’S WRITTEN SO LAMELY I WANTED TO SHOOT SOMETHING. FUUUUUUUUUU

*shoots book*

2. Worldbuilding. Or lack thereof

I understand when sometimes, in worlds, things exist because it’s fantasy. But, really, you cross a line when you fail to follow the basic laws of biology and physics.

TRASH WILL NEVER EVER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD EVER PILE UP IN ICEBERG SIZE MOUNTAINS IN THE OCEAN, BECAUSE 1. THAT MASSIVE SIZE OF TRASH WOULD FUCKING SINK AND 2. TRASH DOESN’T STAY TOGETHER IN WATER LIKE IT WOULD ON LAND. TRASH DISPERSES. PHYSICS. BASIC MOVEMENT OF WATER. BASIC PROPERTIES OF THINGS THAT AREN’T STUCK TOGETHER. LEARN IT.

Frostblight is a complete piece of bullshit.

You also cannot possibly ever create an army out of fucking 12 year olds. You know why? Because 12 year olds are fucking irresponsible pieces of shit because their brains aren’t fully developed (and neither are their bodies) and making good decisions only comes to few, FEW, 12 year olds. Meaning, even if 90% of your population are 12 year olds and they’re the only people who can be in the army, you’re still going to have an army that can do jack shit, because they’re FUCKING 12 YEARS OLD.

Clean water doesn’t just randomly appear in the middle of the dirty water.

It doesn’t just randomly appear out of nowhere. Speaking of which, that whole synthetic drinks bullshit is complete crap. Water is the base of all drinks. If you don’t have clean water, where are you getting your drinks? Also, isn’t there snow all over the place?

You know that huge organ that lies inside your skull? Yeah? Well, you’re suppose to use it.

3. Nothing happens.

Absolutely nothing fucking happens in this book. The entirety of this book could be summarized in 4 words and it’d be a million times more interesting than the book itself – Nat finds the Blue.

Every time you think something might happen, they get away. OMG THERE ARE HUNTERS! Just play cool and hunters will walk away! Oh, the Seekers are here! Bribe them! We need a ship! Trade salt for ship and also win a game via convenient magic! Oh no, we lost our engine! Well, we have sails! Oh no, we’re starving! There’s convenient fish in the ocean so jk!

What. The. Fuck.

Not to mention, that fish is probably filled to the brim with toxic waste, consider that what it lives, breathes and eats. It’s probably just a fish that adapted to the toxic waste, if that’s possible. Everyone should’ve gotten food poisoning and died a long time ago.

Conclusion

I don’t have any more to say. If you’re not convinced by the end of this review not to read this book, I think you might need to get your brain checked.

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Review: The Maze Runner

The Maze Runner
The Maze Runner by James Dashner

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

**Warning**: Contains cussing due to pent up RAGE.

******Also, spoilers.*******

What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Book.

After spending a week trying to finish this pile of words called a “book”, I was done. I skimmed those last few pages, because honestly, I couldn’t give a shit about this goddamn book anymore. What’s wrong with this book? Everything single fucking thing.

I’m surprised this book hasn’t been burned yet.

1. Crap Ass Characters

You know who sucks in this book? Everyone except Gally.

Let’s start with Thomas.

Thomas starts out in the Box (ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that name is SO EVER OMINOUS!!!! IT’S A FUCKING BOX! *screams in terror*). He has no memory of who he is, just vague things like “I can ride a bike, but I don’t remember who taught me or how I learned or where I learned.” which he thinks of again and again and again and again and ag- OH WE GET THE FUCKING POINT, WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP NOW.

Except for, lolno~, if Dashner stops, what else is Thomas going to think about? So Dashner goes all “Fuck you, Thomas is going to think that shit again.”

Throughout the book (though mostly in the beginning) Thomas gets sudden urges to do stuff, as if something had taken over his body. WELL SOMETHING HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR BODY AND IT’S CALL “ LAZY AUTHOR WHO DOESN’T WANT TO WRITE OUT PROPER CHARACTERIZATION AND DECIDES TO MAKE HIS CHARACTERS DO SHIT BECAUSE OF NONEXISTANT IMPULSES” SYNDROME.

Thomas makes “friends” with, of course, the fat boy, whose name is the normal fat boy name, Chuck. Now, I say “friends” because saying someone “will do” as a friend, is objectifying 1. Chuck, and 2. what a friend is. You can’t just pick someone and be like “Oh yeah, he’ll work as a friend.” Just, no. You can do that with screwdrivers, but not with friends. Obviously, to Thomas, a “friend” is just someone who you…. …. ….???…. with. What the hell does Thomas ever even do with Chuck other than that promise which was the most unsubtle way of foreshadowing Chuck’s most predictable and unnecessary death? They… talk about pointless things. And… shit… Oh, I think they eat together once or something…. Hmmmmmmmmm…. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM….

You know, this isn’t a friendship AT ALL.

Thomas is supposed to be curious and smart, except for he manages to not think of even the most obvious questions. Or, even if he was about to faint from the number of questions boggling his mind (with which I gotta say, you must have some strange self control to make yourself faint from not asking questions…), he abstains because “OH THE ABLY GLARE! I CAN’T ASK THEM OR I’LL DIEEEEEEEEE!”

Just. Fuck you.

Thomas is also terribly stupid because, you know, standing there and watching people struggle to get back into the Glade (OMG CAPITAL LETTER! THIS MUST BE A LEGIT NAME! *gasp*) when you could totally run out and help them is ok, and slipping out the last second, when the doors are about to close and there’s no way you could actually be of any help, and also be technically committing suicide because no one survives the night is also ok.

Actually, I think Dashner was just trying to find some lame excuse to get Thomas to spend a night out in the Maze (ANOTHER CAPITAL LETTER! SO LEGIT!) and just FAILING.

Thomas is supposedly so smart though, because he manages to sidestep one of the Grievers. Right, because after TWO WHOLE years, no one, absolutely NO ONE has thought of dodging these things that are described as “stupid as hell”. 1. How did they manage to figure out that Grievers were stupid as hell? 2. If they’re stupid as hell, why are they such a danger? 3. If they’re stupid as hell, why has faking left not been an idea that anyone has attempted?

I am fed up. This stupidity. It’s killing my brain cells.

Of course, to make Thomas OH SO SPECIAL!!!! he has to have telepathy skills with the only human of the opposite sex in the Glade, because right, you can’t just speak out loud to each other. That would require too much energy which has already been drained too much trying to keep your dumbshit brains from imploding from stupidity.

You know, Thomas is supposed to be so smart, but he doesn’t actually figure out anything. Instead, they’re literally guided out via memories so Thomas doesn’t actually do any thinking at all. Plus, why hasn’t Thomas tried to choke himself out of horror? EVERYONE except Thomas, for some reason, refuses to speak of their memories at all. Why didn’t Thomas go through that? Because he’s Mr. Special Snowflake, that’s why.

Enough with Thomas.

What’s wrong with the other characters?

Chuck’s too “stereotypical fat kid who’s sentimental”. Minho is not a fucking scientist’s name. Plus, he switches between being an ass and being kind of ok in such extremes it’s unrealistic. He, along with everyone else, also decides to tell Thomas absolutely nothing until 50 pages after whatever had been the issue first gets mentioned.

Everyone’s also like “FOLLOW THE FUCKING RULES NO MATTER WHAT!” Except for, Thomas got off with it, so fuck that shit.

(For the record Mother Theresa is not a scientist. And, Chuck = Darwin? That’s kind of a far connection.)

I’ll say right now that my favorite character is Gally. Not because he’s the bad guy and I hate Thomas, because bad guys tend to be douchebags and douchebags are unlikable, but if you just stop for a moment and look at the situation, especially the scene where Gally accuses Thomas of being a spy, you realize that Gally is the only one who actually can think complicated thoughts. I was honestly surprised when Gally accused of Thomas of being a spy, because it wasn’t expected, it was original yet at the same time, made total sense.

Really, in that entire scene, Thomas should have been the “bad guy”. He was the one that just showed up in the middle of nowhere. Gally saw him in the Changing, which is usually associated with ominous things, so obviously it’s reasonable to say Thomas might not be so good of a person.

But Mr. Super Special Snowflake can’t ever be wrong, so bitch, Gally’s just fucking insane, that’s what.

2. random Capitalization of certain Nouns due to Fancy (?) names

What is up with these names? Just because it is THE maze, doesn’t make it the Maze. Just. No. You’re writing in English. Could you please follow English grammar rules and not just make proper nouns simply by capitalizing the first letter of regular nouns? I literally cringe every time I have to unnecessarily capitalize these nouns in this review because it’s just so WRONG.

These names aren’t even good.

3. What the Shuck.

You know. If you’re going to cuss, don’t be a chicken and use lame ass alterations of normal curse words. If they can communicate in regular English, what is preventing them from saying “fuck” instead of “shuck”? Also, why are only the curse words slanged?

You understand, curse words have culture behind them that cause them to be curse words. You can’t just make up a word that also is strangely similar to regular curse words and say “oh yeah, because isolation and slang”.

The only thing we get backstory for is klunk because shit makes klunk noises in their crap buckets. 1. TMI. THANK YOU BUT NO THANK YOU 2. That’s gotta be some dry shit to be making rattling noises in buckets. 3. IT’S SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. USE IT. I DARE YOU.

If these teenagers are going to curse, they’re going to curse like real people.

4. Completely Flawed Logic

Ok. Please tell me, if Grievers can climb walls, why haven’t they managed to climb over the walls and flip into the glade?

If Grievers are so easy to kill, why have none of the Gladers managed to kill one in TWO WHOLE YEARS even though they’re perfectly capable teenagers, who are also supposedly smarter than usual? Do I need to go on a rant about how our intelligence is the reason our species reigns over all others? No? Ok. Good. I was hoping you’d be intelligent enough to know that.

WHY, after figuring out that the Maze repeats itself on a monthly basis, are they drawing new maps? WHY WOULD YOU WEAR YOUR BALLS OUT RUNNING THROUGH SOMETHING YOU ALREADY KNOW THE PATH OF JUST TO DRAW THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

Wouldn’t you expect these teenagers’ first reaction to the arrival of the first and only girl not “I call being the first one to fuck her!” but “Holy shit! A girl? Wait let me remember what the hell that is first because I’ve never so far interacted with one!” You can call being the first fucker when these Creators start sending prostitutes up every other week.

Also, you’re ok with rape jokes, but saying “fuck” is too much?

Fuck you, that’s what.

What the hell is up with that ending? It’s like Dashner wrote this entire book and then was like “Oh right, I need to add this part!” and just stuffed it in at the end. You know that whole solar flare crapshit? Well, it makes no sense in general and is scientifically impossible.

If the rainforests are dead, then humans are dead. End of story.

Rainforest survive because of water. It’s goddamn hot, but because it rains enough, forests grow there. If it gets hot enough that it can’t even rain anymore, humans aren’t even going to be alive at all. No bug would survive either, whatever this bug is supposed to refer to (a bug as in “buzz buzz” or “I’ve got a stomach bug”?)

You might say, “Well this is fiction! It’s doesn’t have to be realistic!”. Yeah, how about we add unicorns into the story? Demon TNT unicorns who decided to bomb the world to death with their mystical glamorous death ray? It’s fiction afterall! Now, you still wanna keep your point? No? Ok, cool.

Why do they need to farm when they get mayo and steak shipped up every week? Also, why are you guys sowing, growing and harvesting at the same time? Are there not seasons in the Maze? And do you know how hard butchering is? You can’t just throw random teenagers into the job and expect them to properly butcher a cow like it’s nothing.

Why are these so called “smart” teenagers so stupid?

I am just done with this book.

Conclusion

This book is for you if you like reading books about flat stupid characters (who are labeled “smart”) who spend 2 years running around a maze trying to find and exit when the exit has been right in front of them the whole time (of course and they’re also just no curious enough to figure that out) and need a Mr. Special Snowflake with IQ level of 0 to guide the way.

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