Apple

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Prompt:Your protagonist is an inanimate object granted sentience by a higher power.

It was Johnathan Apple’s worst choice ever to decide to see what it was like to be eaten with feelings. Had he known how much pain it would have caused him, he wouldn’t have prayed for so long about it.

Now it took his life which had been so short to begin with.

How unfortunate.

I don’t like those damn 39 Clues

Ok, this might be the randomest post in the world and you might be thinking, Livi, where da hell did you get this notion from? But I’ll tell you right now, I have a strong dislike for The 39 Clues series. Why The 39 Clues? Because that’s the series that my 6 year old brother is currently obsessing about and it just bothers me that my brother is in love with shitty literature.

Why is it shitty? I’ll give you a couple reasons:

1. It’s way too commercialized.

I’ll admit, I did read these books quite possibly when I was just a tad bit too old, which greatly reduced my reading experience, but I didn’t pick up the books because I had any idea what they were about. It was just that the cards on the front cover and the book covers made it seem super cool. So I read the series.

These books sucked.

There are many factors that contribute to a good book and one of them might possibly be interesting main characters? (*hint hint cough cough*) You have Amy, a 14 year old, first off and a nerd. And then you have her 12 year old brother, Dan, who’s the klutz/stunt man. It’s been a while since the last time I’ve read the books, so I can’t go into much more detail than that, but there’s one thing for sure and it’s that Amy and Dan are your most typical, cliche “Let’s go save the world! But wait, actually, we’re just two normal kids who SUCK at being people.”

It’s no wonder even just prestigious authors have been only able to produce a series of mediocre books at best.

So what attracts the audience if the actual books are only okay?

Well, quite possibly the line “The WORLD relies of YOU.” and the line “Can YOU help save the WORLD?” and the line “It is up to YOU to save the WORLD.” and the line “Can YOU help Dan and Amy save the WORLD?” and… oh you get the point. YOU are saving the WORLD. And if they couldn’t make it more obvious by scribbling it all over the front and back covers, you got the game too, which is even worse.

So, are YOU ready to save the WORLD by entering ridiculous 10 digit codes printed on mass produced cards into a little text bar, because that, oh my gosh, is totally going to save this WORLD from this non-existent destruction that only YOU can prevent. Like it totally specifies who the hell YOU is too.

But the thing is, kid’s love this. They love this false attention, the fake pride of saving the WORLD because it relies on them. And they think its super cool. And who doesn’t want to collect a bunch of cool looking cards and books with cool looking covers that are about saving the world?

2. We are not one big family.

I guess I’m thinking too much into this in saying that it bothers me, but the whole concept of how any slightly prestigious famous person is actually part of a family of super smart people really bothers me. One because there’s no way the emperor of China could be somehow bizarrely be related to Benjamin Franklin unless this serum (which I will explain in a second) ran in their bloodstream well before the human population was more than 10.

So, you may be wondering, what is this serum that I am talking about? Well, spoiler alert because you don’t find this out until the last book, but everyone is super intelligent not because they’ve worked oh so hard for it, but because they’ve got good genetics. And where did these genetics come from? Well this guy created a serum that made you super intelligent. And then he split it into four subserums, because you know, then his family would be super powerful and too intelligent. Not that this would be something you would worry about AFTER you’ve already succeeded in creating the serum.

Ok. So actually, are you telling me, books, that I’ll only succeed in life if I have super good genetics? Because it sure sounds like you are.

3. No. Talent comes in just one category

Ok. So apparently you can only be talented in one thing? Because following the logic of the serum, you’re only genetically altered to be super good at one thing, whether it be business or art or inventing or whatever, (though art and inventing are actually pretty related). But that’s not true for real live people. You can be amazing at golf and be an artist as well. There’s no conflict here….

Enough said about that.

So, in the end, The 39 Clues is of no good. I don’t like them and that’s that.

(Now I’m tired, so if you’ll excuse me for this half assed ending, I really have no energy left.)

Sacrifice

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Prompt: A journalist writing a story about living on death row begins to fall for one of the inmates she’s interviewing.

Blue eyes.

If there was one thing Kate Lorrie would never forget, it was those blue eyes. They were vibrant eyes, full of life and wonder, waiting to, no, wanting to see more of this world. Nothing in those eyes reflected the emotions one would think would come from a man sitting on death row.

“Hello, I’m Kate Lorrie, a journalist from the Good Day Times. I hope you don’t mind if I ask you a few questions about the life here.”

Those eyes shifted over to her and sparkled.

“Of course, I don’t mind at all.” The owner of these eyes was a vibrant young man, blonde hair, muscular – almost like your typical surfer boy, but he had an intelligent air to him, curious and always wanting to learn more.

Kate pulled a chair up and sat down in front of him.

“Life is good.” He said immediately, without even waiting for her to settle down. “Not too much food, not too little. There are showers here so you can wash up just fine. The water’s a little cold, but it’s more tolerable in the summer.”

He shrugged and fell silent.

“Oh, ok. Thank you Mister…”

“Jacob, Jacob Evans.”

“Thank you, Mr. Evans.” Kate shuffled her notes a little, slightly ruffled by his sudden outburst.

“I hope my sister’s fine.” He began musing. “It’s been a while since the last time I’ve seen her. She seemed to stop visiting after a while.”

“A while? Sir, how long have you been here?” Kate frowned.

“Ah, maybe four years.” He shrugged. Kate scribbled in her notebook. “It’s really nice here. You almost don’t want to leave, but leaving is inevitable on death row.”

He sighed.

“Death row is like a machine. Live people are forever going in, bodies forever coming out. It’s kind of depressing in here really, all these men and women waiting for their deaths to come. It’s cruel, waking up every morning, knowing that this may or may not be your last day to live yet none of your family is here to see you. None of them care anymore, because you’re a criminal and criminals aren’t family any longer because they’ve broken the trust of a family.”

His eager eyes dimmed.

“At least not in my family.” He added

Kate was about to ask him another question when the door creaked open.

“One more minute mam.” The prison guard announced. Kate nodded. When the door slid closed once again, she decided that none of the questions she had prepared would be fit to ask now. There only really seemed to be one question that nagged at her.

“Excuse me for asking,” She finally mustered. “What brought you here?”

He smiled real wide, pride in his eyes.

“To save my sister’s husband.” He pat his own chest. “He messed up, but it wasn’t his fault. There was no reason for him to die, so I came in and stepped in for him.”

Kate’s heart lurched.

He would come back to haunt her in her dreams for years to come.

This Dipping Time of Year

I like to call myself an amateur writer. Well, I am one. Or was one, until I crash every spring/summer where my drive to write simply goes down to the bottom of the ocean.

Yeah, it’s a yearly thing.

I actually used to contemplate about being a full time writer. Just, you know, what it would be like to just be surrounded by words all the times. I’d love it in the fall/winter. Not so much now.

It’s weird how I go through phases. Spring/summer are considered my more artistic seasons where my craving for art takes over and all I want to do is draw a comic or something become famous like the guy who created Homestuck. In fact, it’s so effecting that I don’t even have the impetus to write a blog post. It’s not that I’m lazy, my ideas are just coming out expressed as images on a panel and that obviously isn’t helping me write.

Currently, my writing has dropped down to a minimum of flash fiction every week and an occasional blog post about something else (like this one). I’m spending too much time drawing and sketching out an outline for my possibly very first webcomic. We’ll see how that goes. I’ll keep ya’ll updated on that.

I’d also like to excuse myself for not posting for the next 2 weeks due to an AMAZING vacation to Alaska with guaranteed 0 Wifi. (Of course, I could just queue a bunch of posts, but I hate queuing things.)

That is all for now.

Have a nice day.

That’s What She Said

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Prompt: “I’d seen some big ones in my time, but this one…..this one was huge.”

“God, Lisa, you just don’t understand!” Voices echoed from the other side of the wall. Mrs. Despona was getting a little frustrated. She could hear ever single conversation those teenage girls had in that other apartment and they were always, ALWAYS, about boys. “It was huge! Like… I’ve seen big ones before, but this one… this one was ginormous! I had hardest time getting it in.”

“What was it like?” The girl, who name was supposedly Lisa asked.

“Same as always. I’d thought, you know, since it was a little bigger, it’d be different, but not really.”

“Really?” There was a giggle. “You’ll have to show me next time around then. Maybe you could come over and it’ll just be the three of us.”

“It’s not official yet. Suppose to be three more weeks before I’m allowed to see it again. I was just allowed a sneak visit the other day, that was all.”

Mrs. Despona could not believe her ears. Where they talking about… about that thing? And moving in? She couldn’t believe her ears, girls these days really didn’t understand modesty at all… She shivered at the thought of hearing them possibly go at it and suddenly, she felt completely fed up with this.

No, she just couldn’t. She had enough of this trash. She stormed out into the hallway and banged on their apartment door. Moments later, a dead skinny girl, face caked with black makeup opened up the door.

“Yes, Mrs. Despona?” She asked, quite annoyed, a small sneer on her face.

“I will not allow it anymore! If you wish to talk about the size of… of” Her face flushed red. “Of pensises at least have the courtesy to lower your voice!”

The girl rolled her eyes and smirked at her.

“Please, Mrs. Despona, you’re thinking too much. We were talking about the dog that I’m going to get from the animal shelter in three weeks. Calm down. It’s just really big and doesn’t really fit in the cage they gave it and I just wanted to get it home as soon as possible.”

Mrs. Despona froze, wordless.

This was rather embarrassing.

Trollololol

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Prompt: The first men/women to set foot on Mars return to their ship only to find a large, strange insect on the door of the ship.

“Welcoming, the first people back from Mars!”

Applause ensues.

A man and a woman step out of the ship.

“Thank you, thank you. It’s been an honor. The journey was treacherous, but successful. Mars has now been explored by the naked eyes of mankind!”

Cheers rise up.

“Thank you.”

The doors of the spaceship slammed shut and revealed a huge picture of a strange bug.

Beneath the bug said:

“HA. YOU JUST GOT TROLLED!”

Replay Video

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5. BEST TROLL EVER

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Troll Books

A common thing that happens is the sudden increase of books sales of a popular book due to the fact that it is popular. An even more common thing that happens, is a jack in book sales of books with similar titles. Like The Life of Pi in comparison to Life of Pi.

And so, it is in this trollish mood that I present to you, three (almost) troll books that I’ve found.

Cloud Atlas vs The Cloud Atlas

Now, to be clear, this first pair is a completely legit pair of books. Neither one is a troll book, but it’s amusing to see the reviews on Amazon, complaining about how the book, The Cloud Atlas, didn’t match with the movie, which was base on Cloud Atlas, at all.

Stupid humans.

Fifty Shades of Grey vs Fifty Shades of Gray (Subtitle: Tsk, Tsk, Tsk…)

This, by far, has been the best troll book that I’ve seen. The title literally contains one change of letter – from “grey” to “gray”, but it gives the author total legitimacy over her book and no one can complain – it’s their fault they didn’t notice. If one were to buy this book, one would get a 55 page book containing 50 different shades of gray in the form of African elephants.

LMFAO

Life of Pi vs The Life of Pi

We all know Life of Pi, that famous story about a kid surviving the ocean with a tiger. Amusingly, there is a book, matching the same name (with an additional “The”) that is actually about the number pi, with single short blurb about pi and then, for the rest of the book, you get pi up to 100,000 digits.

That’s not the funniest part though.

If you scroll down on the Goodreads page for The Life of Pi, you’ll see that some people have given this book five stars not because of it’s wonderfulness about the 100,000 digits of pi, but because “What a wonderful story about Pi Patel!”

Wow… You people don’t even read the summary do you?

So, moral of the story? Watch your titles.

Lucid

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Prompt: You (or your protagonist) walk through a door, only to find that not only are you not where you expected and there doesn’t seem to be a way back…”

You were probably really tired when it happened.

You made a mistake and the door just slammed behind you, leaving no way back.

You thought you were good enough – good enough to challenge such a maze, to challenge the God King. Do you think he would have let you off the hook so easily? Let you beat him, his pride and soul, so simply? You underestimated him. You were too self confident. You stepped into the maze thinking that you were good enough – that everyone else before you were all weaklings.

But that was a lie.

You’re just like everyone else – a failure who made a mistake and couldn’t turn back, trapped in this maze forever.

To hell with the God King you may think, but the one going to hell, is you.

I owe you one

Wow. I’ve only made 7 posts this month.

This is pathetic.

Ok, since I owe you a post (or more like multiple posts) I’ll write you one. But can I please mention that this might be the perfect place to mention this good old adage?

One good blog post a month is better than 30 shitty ones.

- My Mother

So. There we go. I should probably also remove the “Daily Blogger” badge, but let’s face it, would I really do that? (Shake your head, please.) You may say, why? And I may say, because I’m too prideful, or too embarrassed or too lazy to take it down. Whatever. Just know that it’s not happening.

Ok, so a blog post.

Well, I had a brilliant idea in mind, but I just lost it. So I’ll talk about my WONDERFUL LUCID DREAMING EXPERIENCE.

Actually, not. You see the problem is, if you want to lucid dream, you actually have to work at it. Like, you have do stuff. And you know how much I hate doing stuff. Ok, some checklists I’ve found:

  1. Keep a dream journal
  2. Meditate for 20 minutes before sleeping
  3. Eat avocado (actually not really)
  4. Do the WBTB and WILD techniques. (Hell knows what the heck they are)
  5. Draw A’s on your palm
  6. Sleep

Of all of them, number 6 is the only thing I do. (Well, I also eat avocado, but that doesn’t count.) First off, let’s be honest, who in their right mind goes around drawing freaking A’s on their palms? And da hell is WBTB and WILD? I don’t know about you, but personally, I find this to be wayy too much work. (Winky face.)

So I guess no lucid dreaming then? Aw shucks. I guess then, according to World of Lucid Dreaming DOT COM, I’m not gonna be able to find my ideal partner and fulfill my… sexual fantasies. What bullshit.